Gloop (Revision 3.1)

[Todd]

Revision 3

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth After reading the first three revisions several times to reading this as the opening line.. Is Willy Wonka Satan or am I thinking about the movie too much haha..
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat, so far nice, im curious what spurred the first person intro after leaving it entirely third before. I only wonder because to me to write entirely in third successfully is somewhat of a feat to me, I also thought it kinda helped provide that movie/story point of view, where the reader feels more like they're observing through a camera rather than physically being one of the characters.
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet
like a shaken soda left to explode.

I popped

like a champagne cork before a toast yeah... I liked the simplicity of the other version too hehe.
in someone else’s honor, flying
over the mint grass and fondant flowers,
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down definitely liked the other version of this better too, this flow and form seems a tad wordy when compared to the others
a hall I had forgotten
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent
too busy nursing her bitten fingers.
 
Some would say that we do not live
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Our days are now
gobstobber long. There is no exit,
only each other, the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.

Todd,
Great original and great revisions, I read this one kinda seperately from the other two; the message is stronger in this one and certain keywords set a much darker tone in this as well. I kinda feel like the remnants of the first three could be dropped for an entirely new poem, but thatd be doin the most so yeah idk the whole first person intro was kind of that risk though. I hope this helps, great works
mike

Hi Mike, 

Thank you for the comments. I appreciate them. Actually though this answer may seem cryptic: You're close. Satan if he's there at all is completely off stage. Wonka is the Valet. I made the shift from third to first person because as milo pointed out I was overrun by passive voice. It's not that I couldn't have corrected that and stayed in first person but I decided to move into first person to pan in to the character's POV. I'll look into some of the other points you mention as I let this settle more.

Thanks again.

Best,

Todd