On Happiness

[nikkisto]

“am i happy”
I ask the Internet
as I sit in old pajamas
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM.
I have a staring match with the search bar.
It blinks first, but it is I who’s lost
myself in Google pages
on topics of self help and otherwise
but helplessly
I find no self love
anywhere.
 
An ad flashes neon at me:
 
want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!)
and answers to all life’s questions?
 
Tell me.
no.
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could…
 
for christ’s sake
 
I tap the “home” key.                           
but I’m not in mommy’s arms;
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party.
 

My heart beats its fists into my brain.
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?
Like the third day of a caffeine trip.
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets,
stained by last week’s Joe
“He was handsomer at the bar”
I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called.
 
 
I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside
were the ugliest.
 
Double click.
Delete all.
Blink. Blink---
 
Blank.

I agree with the previous commenters that the line structure gets distracting, and it has a rocky start, but by the line "saying my account balance..." I feel like you're finding your stride. I enjoyed the chaotic capitalization in the "happy"s, I could really see the words bouncing around in the speaker's head. Again, this repeats a previous poster, but that intensity doesn't seem to match its fuel with caffeine. I enjoyed the last half of this and look forward to seeing where you take it.