“am i happy”
I ask the Internet
as I sit in old pajamas
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM.
I have a staring match with the search bar.
It blinks first, but it is I who’s lost
myself in Google pages
on topics of self help and otherwise
but helplessly
I find no self love
anywhere.
 
An ad flashes neon at me:
 
want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!)
and answers to all life’s questions?
 
Tell me.
no.
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could…
 
for christ’s sake
 
I tap the “home” key
but I’m not in mommy’s arms;
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party.
 

My heart beats its fists into my brain
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?
Like the third day of a caffeine trip.
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets,
stained by last week’s Joe
“He was handsomer at the bar”
I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called.
 
 
I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside
were the ugliest.
 
Double click.
Delete all.
Blink. Blink---
 
Blank.

“am i happy”   (A question makes for a weak opening, and as it set the tone for the rest of the poem...)
I ask the Internet (as the internet is a data input and retrieval system it can't be asked a question as it is posed here, maybe if it said to friends on facebook or some or social media or even "Siri" it might work, but just the internet, no. There must at least be a personal component)
as I sit in old pajamas (every lines should be purposeful, what is the purpose of this one? I am still in bed-Saturday-11am, is there some point in moving the poem along as to what the speaker is wearing. The word "still" implies that one has yet to get dressed.)
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM.
I have a staring match with the search bar. (present perfect would better here "I am having a staring matching with the search bar."
It blinks first, but it is I who’s I have lost  (It blinks first, but it is I who have lost
myself in (Frantically blundering through) Google pages
on self help topics,  and otherwise
but helplessly
I find no self love.
anywhere. implied

An ad flashes neon at me: (Not really possible on the internet, but I would like the URL )

"want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!) assumed
and answers to all life’s questions? (This whole phrase is written a bit awkward, but most sex ads are, up to the writer if she wish to revise it, as nothing else of the vernacular has been used it would seem advisable to do so. Would offset this in block, thus (purely stylistic))








Tell me. (purely stylistic: "Tell me...No!")
no.
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could… wouldn't you?

for christ’s sake 

I tap the “home” key
but I’m not in mommy’s arms;
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party.


My heart beats its fists into my brain  (mixed metaphor)  (My heart beats fist at my brain)
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?
Like the third day of a caffeine trip.  (needs something stronger, if this is going to be big and grown up, unlesss you're talking the powder, then say so)
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets, (this is a non-sequitur)
stained by last week’s Joe  (Cute play on words, but also confusing)
“He was handsomer at the bar”  (why the quote marks, leads to the confusion?


I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called. (cliche)


I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside
were the ugliest.

Double click.
Delete all.
Blink. Blink--- (Purely stylistic: Add one more blink, drop the blank)

Blank.
____________________________________________________________________
Why so much white space, what is the rationale? If there is none, use the standard formatting of one extra space between stanzas or strophes.


The primary problem with this poem was a lack of focus. At first it leads the reader to believe the speaker is going to be a cam girl, but then it jumps to the a scene from "Looking for Mister Goodbar", one good line form that was

"my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party."

a really excellent line. Had the rest of the lines come remotely close instead of being mostly cliche or nonsensical this would have been a very decent poem, instead of simply one of many. A lot of this falls on the writing as much as the structure. My perception is that the author did not sit with this long enough (a failing of young writers who are impatient to post as quickly as possible)  to see the holes and the egregious phrasing. I think this would have been much better had the writer let it set on the shelf for a few weeks and then  done a through edit.
Outside of the morality play aspect of it, it is little different from what has been written by many others before. Here is the URL for "Looking for Mister Goodbar" in Wiki, watching the movie might prove instructive considering when it was filmed.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking_fo...%28film%29

It is kind of a "looking for love in all the wrong places combined with body image problems. Some of the topics touched on in the poem.

Look forward to your next endeavor,

best,

dale

(01-27-2016, 05:35 PM)ellz483 Wrote:  Hi ellz,
I would be lying if I said that this had merit, in a strictly personal and subjective way...so on that confession any critique will be biassed against the piece. The line by line comments are really pointers as to why the thing fails for me, though others may take from it some pleasures derived from form or style.





This is white space...I have no idea what it is for. Just thought I would stick some more in to see if the more the better. Hmmmm.





“am i happy” Pointedly purposeless failings in punctuation are a cop out. Leaving behind all literally ethical reasons for not capitalising and beginning with an unpunctuated question IS pointless when you still use quotation marks.  This is in the Serious forum so it should be serious in at least one area. I suggest consistent punctuation would be a good starting point.  
I ask the Internet I am not unfamiliar with the technology of packet data transfer and html protocol so I find it irksome that anyone could consider asking "the internet" a question. If this strange phraseology is ignorance of the technology then fair enough...I guess you may just be confused. On the other hand, if you believe what you have written is sensible then well, it is not.
as I sit in old pajamas Not sure of the relevance of these two lines. If they were to contra the disguised point that in spite of old ( quaint or retro) pajamas you were up to speed with your tablet technology then I could JUST see something in them...but I do not think that the piece is that subtle. I warned you that this is how I see it, so please excuse the lack of formal dissent. I am critting the poem not the poet.
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM. I mean...so what?
I have a staring match with the search bar. Clumsy and innacurate. I would not go here...blinking search bars are not in my area of expertise...do you mean "blinking cursor"? I ask because I do not know. Again, not easy reading from a technophile's viewpoint but let's see if there may be some metaphor looming. That would be nice.
It blinks first, but it is I who’s lost speaking for myself, personally, I.....GRRRRR!
myself in Google pages
on topics of self help and otherwise who told you to say "otherwise" when you cannot think of anything else to say? It is the WRONG word. It does NOT mean "other things" and even if it did it is a weak ending to the line. By the by, have you read your words OUT LOUD.
but helplessly
I find no self love Now look. This is just nonsense. There is no other way of saying it. Tell me, where would you expect to find self love? I mean, where the hell would you look? The clue is in the word....SELF. just drop the pointlessly pretentious "anywhere"
anywhere.
 
An ad flashes neon at me: I do not know what this means and care less.
 
want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!)
and answers to all life’s questions? At last, words I can say I can relate to....but they are not your words. I accept that what you are attempting here is conceptually sound but you could put more effort in to the profundity and punctuation. Adverts rely upon "punchy" delivery, and in every case punctuation is a great tool to concentrate the message. Just "listing" the mundanity of what the adverts ACTUALLY say is possibly the purpose of the stanza;if so, good on you,  but without punctuation the mundanity becomes the method not the message.  
 
Tell me.
no.
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could…
 
for christ’s sake
 
I tap the “home” key I write this as an afterthough. The poem begins here
but I’m not in mommy’s arms;
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party. Good. Well observed and expressed. How it stands out
 

My heart beats its fists into my brain
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?
Like the third day of a caffeine trip.
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets,
stained by last week’s Joe
“He was handsomer at the bar”
I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called.
 
 
I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside
were the ugliest.
 
Double click.
Delete all.
Blink. Blink---
 
Blank. Yes. Yes. Yes. What the hell was that rubbish at the start about?

(01-27-2016, 05:35 PM)ellz483 Wrote:  “am i happy”
I ask the Internet
as I sit in old pajamas
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM.
I have a staring match with the search bar.
It blinks first, but it is I who’s lost 
myself in Google pages ...underlined: doesn't seem to be necessary. You could possibly jump from 'myself' to 'in self help', or, as dale suggests, a quirky url
on topics of self help and otherwise
but helplessly
I find no self love
anywhere. 
 
An ad flashes neon at me:
 
want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!)
and answers to all life’s questions?
 
Tell me.
no.
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could… 
 
for christ’s sake 
 
I tap the “home” key
but I’m not in mommy’s arms; ....this is a terribly weak joke    - get rid of it
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party. ...I like this strophe individually, but as part of the poem, I am starting to get bored by the meandering
 

My heart beats its fists into my brain
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?
Like the third day of a caffeine trip.
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets,
stained by last week’s Joe
“He was handsomer at the bar”
I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called.
 
 
I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside
were the ugliest.
 
Double click.
Delete all. ....what's the connection b/w double click and delete all?
Blink. Blink---
 
Blank.

Overall, the poem is a nice light, entertaining read, but it just loosely touches on the theme of 'happiness' and so lacks a bit of coherence.

(01-27-2016, 05:35 PM)ellz483 Wrote:  “am i happy”
I ask the Internet
as I sit in old pajamas
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM.
I have a staring match with the search bar.
It blinks first, but it is I who’s lost
myself in Google pages
on topics of self help and otherwise
but helplessly
I find no self love
anywhere.
 
An ad flashes neon at me:
 
want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!)
and answers to all life’s questions?
 
Tell me.
no.
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could…
 
for christ’s sake
 
I tap the “home” key.                           
but I’m not in mommy’s arms;
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party.
 

My heart beats its fists into my brain.
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?
Like the third day of a caffeine trip.
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets,
stained by last week’s Joe
“He was handsomer at the bar”
I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called.
 
 
I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside
were the ugliest.
 
Double click.
Delete all.
Blink. Blink---
 
Blank.

I agree with the previous commenters that the line structure gets distracting, and it has a rocky start, but by the line "saying my account balance..." I feel like you're finding your stride. I enjoyed the chaotic capitalization in the "happy"s, I could really see the words bouncing around in the speaker's head. Again, this repeats a previous poster, but that intensity doesn't seem to match its fuel with caffeine. I enjoyed the last half of this and look forward to seeing where you take it.

(01-27-2016, 05:35 PM)ellz483 Wrote:  “am i happy”- was this a question typed into the search bar? If not, I'd definitely word it differently. Even if it was-- I'd probably try to state this in a different way.
I ask the Internet
as I sit in old pajamas
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM.
I have a staring match with the search bar.
It blinks first, but it is I who’s lost
myself in Google pages
on  topics of self help and otherwise
but helplessly - (but still helpless, maybe?)
I find no self love
anywhere.
 
An ad flashes neon at me:
 
want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!)
and answers to all life’s questions?-- I would cut out all of the specifics -- most everyone has seen the types of ads you're referring to, so I  don't think this adds anything vital.
 
Tell me.
no.- Who is saying 'no'? Surely not the internet!
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could…
 
for christ’s sake
 
I tap the “home” key
but I’m not in mommy’s arms;
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party.
 

My heart beats its fists into my brain- Rework this.
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?-   This isn't working
Like the third day of a caffeine trip.
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets,
stained by last week’s Joe
“He was handsomer at the bar”
I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called.
 
 
I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:- I would put this sentence before the one above, and take out 'Mac'
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside- since you're going from outer appearance to inner, you need to use a transitional word/phrase
were the ugliest.
 
Double click.
Delete all.
Blink. Blink---
 
Blank.

I think you can do lots with this one to make it much better. There are so many specifics, and though that can be great, I think in this piece it really takes away from the message you're trying to portray. We can find everything on the internet, but self love and happiness-- these are elusive ideals that need to be found within.
K