Gloop (Revision 3.1)

[milo]

Hello Todd.  As usual, there is your usual signature of taking a part of our cultural mythos and recreating it as your own.  I have followed this for some time and mostly resisted posting as it seems to be evolving nicely.  For me, there is too much here existing rather than doing and too much verbiage helping it to exist rather than contributing.

Revision 2

Beneath the russet river is a pipe.

so, I know you love first lines and I keep waiting for this one to recreate itself.  This pipe simply "is".  Of course, passive voice has its place in poetry, but for a first line, I would rather see a something that acts to draw me in.  I know this pipe will build pressure soon and pop a boy like a champagne cork - that is some great action that could act rather than being, imo.

With enough pressure, a stuck boy 

can be dislodged with a pop
like a champagne cork.

once again, passive voice.  The pressure doesn't dislodge the boy, but with enough pressure a boy can "be dislodged".

He will careen off the wall, and down
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.

the third instance of passive voice in a row starts to grate.  He doesn't careen here, he "will careen", "to land".  This type of dramatic action deserves sharp, active voice. Also, maybe reconsider that break on "beside".

Like a dung beetle,
he will push the Blueberry Girl 
across the floor.

again, the passive voice and leading with the simile.  It all reads rahter mish-mashy and clumsy. Why have it all occur in a hypothetical future.  Also, "push"  (well, will push) is a pretty weak verb.

Ignoring the inevitable explosion

of words from that Salt Girl,
who still nurses her bitten fingers.
In this room of no mirrors,
no exit, there is nothing

"ignoring" instead of "ignores".  "nurses" is our first real verb and it is a pleasure to finally get one.

to acquire, and only each other
with their unblinking eyes,
the stench of chocolate, 
and a terrible hunger.

this final strophe is particularly clumsy.  Stench of chocolate is great as is the terrible hunger.


I like the poem, I like the idea, I feel like it would be better if you tried to introduce interesting active verbs to push it along.

Thanks for posting.