02-07-2016, 07:12 AM
(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
Beneath the russet river is a pipe.
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy -- "given" is awkward to my ear. I wonder what's wrong with just "with"?
can be dislodged with a pop
like a champagne cork.
He will careen off the wall, and down
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.
Like a dung beetle,
he will push the Blueberry Girl
across the floor.
Ignoring the inevitable explosion
of words from that Salt Girl,
who still nurses her bitten fingers.
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing -- look at your sentence structure -- you're ending on a fragment. This is resolved if you take out "where".
to acquire, and only each other
with the stench of chocolate
and a salivating hunger. -- I think "salivating" is overdoing it. I actually quite liked "terrible", which sounds more "Heart of Darkness" than "Biggest Loser"
Nice, dark, wonky chocolate evil. No friendly pensioners to save these nasty little kiddies.
~~~
Edit: Made a few word changes, per comments from Nick and Paul.
Original
Beneath the russet river is a pipe.
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy
can be dislodged with a pop
like a champagne cork.
Upon impact, he will slide down
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.
Like a dung beetle,
he will push the Blueberry Girl
across the floor,
ignoring the inevitable explosion
of words from that Salt Girl.
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing
to acquire, and only each other
with the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.
~~~
Edit: I decided to make a title change.
