Gloop (Revision 3.1)

[Todd]

Hi Paul, 

I appreciate the comments. I see your point about impact. Possibly a rework with careen. That Salt girl is sort of a proper name so I can't just rework it to salty words--that said, it could be too close to the blueberry reference above. I'll have to give it some thought. 

Thank you.

Best,

Todd

Hey Todd. I thought "Augustus" for a title but now you've changed it to Gloop and I like it. Just a couple things.

Beneath the russet river is a pipe.
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy
can be dislodged with a pop
like a champagne cork. All good

Upon impact, he will slide down small issue here. How is he still sliding upon impact? should it not be upon release or to that effect? Impact implies a dead stop to me.
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.

Like a dung beetle,
he will push the Blueberry Girl 
across the floor,
ignoring the inevitable explosion love this

of words from that Salt Girl. "that Salt Girl" sounds forced.  girl with salty words....  
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing
to acquire, and only each other

with the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger. yum

~~~
Edit: I decided to make a title change.

Paul