Memento Mori

[kkieran]

Dale,
I'd so much rather an ugly truth than a beautiful lie...but then, all of this is subjective anyway. But, if it's how you feel, then that's what I'm after. It seems to me that sincerity and authenticity are in short supply these days, so don't ever apologize for speaking your truth. I wouldn't ever expect everyone to like me, or my poetry. It's like fine dining- one can be the most amazing chef in the world, taking fish to new culinary heights, but there will always be someone that hates seafood. Our differences make life much more exciting.

For me, writing is a mix of expressing an idea/ideal, while doing it in a way that sounds melodic in my mind. There's always a combination of sense and surreal....just like life. Regardless, I do appreciate the time you took to critique me. I'm not looking for praise- just insight, and so thank you for sharing yours   I've added some notes below to answer anything I could.

Thanks again!
K

Memento Mori
 
the great equalizer
of the final frontier -
        quiet as the hawks and harriers (isn't this pretty much redundant?)
        sent to carry our bones
        to the bed we have made  (did we make them?) -- We all make our own 'beds'-- depends on how we choose to lead our lives
(go to sleep and good night,
there is no need for mourning) (not sure what the purpose of this is unless you are trying for a pun, mourning/morning)  -- yes, there's the pun here, which I love to do when it works, and for me it did here. It's meant for the one dying- they have no need to mourn or for morning to come.
 
the mute seraph
white stork (so which is it?) - both! In writing about something intangible, anything and everything is possible!
stole your soul
gave you to Gaia
(a biennial bairn) 
for her costume garden
 
the mathematicians
and realists and bankers
wonder if there is an art to dying (this statement is unsupported and so comes off as nonsensical)-- "The Art of Dying" is a 2 part Latin text explaining how to 'die well'. It's almost procedural.
 
the zealots and Baptists
and Mormons are deifying
their casserole allegories  (If you want to say they bring a lot of food to their meetings, OK, but it is hardly allegorical, or if it is there needs something more than just an unsupported statement)--- Everything can be allegorical to religious folks! And I mean everything. I was raised Catholic, converted to Mormonism (and married a Mormon), left Mormonism (lost my Mormon husband), and am now a spiritual agnostic. I'm okay with not having all of the answers.....the religious folks I've known are not. And will turn even the most asinine ideas into moral lessons.
 
the extent of language -
narrowed by the egotists (define)
what can't be said
should be sung 
(when there aren't any words
then we can just hum) (gratuitous rhyme, drop the "just")
 
charging towards
the great mirage
(constructs of wishful wishing)
assuming that space is vast enough
to hold our needs
night after night
we stare at stars
and wish away their
credibility (totally specious statement) 
 
Capitalism-
our sacred puppeteer
selling the rights
to eternal life
(and acres on the moon, too)
the rich are buying their
legacies with life insurance
policies
 
Poe inspired poets lie
awake in the rustling night
dreaming of dying,
and romanticize lying
in her sepulchre
there by the sea
 
but as is our arrival -
we depart without
station.
to go (or not go) (Oh please, how about to "see or not to see")
somewhere (or nowhere) (now it's just getting silly)-- because we haven't died, who knows what comes next? It's all speculation, which is what I was trying to convey
captivated (still)
by our own (unassuming)
impression

___________________________________________________________________________

Sorry, I guess I was just disappointed, the title had my hopes up way to high, but for the most part (and you do try to cover the entire spectrum, these strophes are just unsupported proclamations more common to rhetoric than poetry, despite the non-use of poetry and punctuation to give it that poety look. Oh well there are a fair amount of parenthesis and a hyphen or two, so nothing like consistency, but I believe Donne has already covered that (sorry, couldn't resists).

Really, I am very sorry, you seem like a very sweet person trying very hard to say something. It doesn't really seem to stay on topic most of the time. I mean really, what do capitalist have to do with mortality? Sure you try and shoehorn them into selling eternal life, but that is hardly their providence (although Jim and Tami Faye tried). Their providence is to make you look better, to increase your pleasure and raise your esteem among your friends and admirers. No it's the Baptists who are the hockers of eternal life, well them and all the rest of those who followed Luther's  95 theses that he pounded into the church door in 1517. There's your eternal life if ever there was one, of course our good friend Jonathan Edwards helped the cause along, not only was there eternal life, he made them want it more than sex or chocolate.

Still, it is hard to talk about mortality until one has died at least once, maybe not actually died, but felt as though one had died and then was surprised to find he hadn't. It's a great generator for a spiritual experience although I don't really recommend it, but sometimes it comes to you regardless of your own volition.   

But maybe I'm missing the point. Leanne seems to think there is something here and she is much smarter than me. She once tried to say she was as mean as me but she had to give up cause deep down she knew she was just lying to herself and see, here I am bringing up these ridiculous objections about this poem, that probably have nothing to do with it. So my advice is to ignore everything I've said except this. If it is your first post, don't post it in serious, this is where you get raked over the coals and other unpleasant things similar to what aliens do to abuctees 

Welcome to the site,


Best,

dale