02-04-2016, 09:58 AM
(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote: Beneath the russet river is a pipe. "russet river" is a greate imageTodd,
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy
can be dislodged with a pop not sure if the boy is stuck purposefully or by accident
like a champagne cork. Also love this metaphor gives a sense wackiness
Upon impact, he will slide down
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.
Like a dung beetle, perfect simile
he will push the Blueberry Girl
across the floor,
ignoring the inevitable explosion
of words from that Salt Girl.
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing
to acquire, and only each other
with the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger. may want to play with swapping terrible different synonyms
~~~
Edit: I decided to make a title change.
Great poem. Here are my thoughts
There is a great sense of wackiness throughout the poem, while it slowly works up to it's grim conclusion. The poem captures the same eeriness of the Wonka Factory that's in the novel but takes goes further and, eventually, plunges into terror. My favorite is the ironic end. The male character (stuck boy), assumed to be an unfortunate oompa loompa, Salt girl and Blueberry girl (or what's left of her) are trapped in a "room of no mirrors" smelling the scents of a chocolate factory, only to acquire a "terrible hunger". What's next? do the characters eat other? Perhaps what's left of the Blueberry girl? The only part that confuses me comes from S1. Is the stuck boy actually stuck, or is the pipe there to shoot oompas wherever needed? Also is the oompa actually locked in with both girls? Just a small issue I had. Overall, I would keep this poem the way it is, barring possible word swaps.