Campus cold: Edit 2

[BW BRINE]

This poem seems to have an emotional goal stated in the last line:

"when laughter was the currency of youth."

Everything that precedes this line is suppose to be an image or a representation of it (that is the disillusionment associated with the coming of adulthood), yet this is not the case. Some images fit, the leaves being cast out from their homes, in the second edit.  Youth is no more and there is no laughter. The world is a cold grey place; a place of disillusionment. Yet, while S2 may be said to superficially address this, it does not as it fails to tie it's image into the overall idea of the poem.  While S3 works better, the use of the word "pattering" is a bit of a distractions, especially when tapping would have served the same purposed. It may have been the author's intent to use "pattering" to connect with other elements of the poem, but this works only marginally at best and the word is rarely associated with the tapping of a shoe, the reason being is that "pattering" has the connotation of being random, while "tapping" has the connotation of being regular.

The pattering of the rain on the window made me drowsy.
The tapping of his shoe on the floor kept time with the music.  

So while this is a nice gloomy coming of age piece, it still has many problematic areas that need to be addressed.

Best,

dale

Hi dale,

Thanks for your input! The 'pattering' isn't supposed to be tapping; it's supposed to be pattering. Imagine looking out that window and seeing all of the people walking across campus. That would be a disorganized sound - much like the pattering of children's shoes when they're running amok with untied shoelaces. Now, maybe ultimately that connection isn't obvious and doesn't make a lot of sense, but for the time being, I guess, I wasn't trying to imply tapping at all.

I agree that the second stanza doesn't really tie in with the disillusionment of adulthood but does connect in a more general sense. That's one reason why I think adding another stanza where this is more explicit would be helpful - something that really speaks home about missing home, having these expectations that don't live up, things being different and being happy, if ignorant, as a child (even if it was only a few months ago!).

Your observations are incredibly insightful and I'm thankful you've chosen to comment on this thread! I look forward to hearing your thoughts after the next edit. I've taken a liking to this one and hope to make it exceptional.

-BW