The buzzing of electric light
illuminates the cold campus sidewalks.
The autumn wind quakes the aspens,
evicting leaves from their summer abodes.
The buildings made of cinder blocks
echo the heavy footsteps of my boots
in calming rhythmic symphony
with memories of childhood events;
back when the whole world was greener,
rather than this bleak and gloomy darkness,
the clouds spattered dew on the grass,
and the sun shone on our grinning faces.
Instead of reminiscing, now,
I wonder if the bills were paid on time,
if I locked the door to my car,
and if dinner will be takeout again.
The pattering of untied boots
with laces bouncing upon leather tongues
reminds me of the better days:
when laughter was the currency of youth.
-BW BRINE
I thought it was one of those short poems, but it's not in that section. Each sentence connects with the next under the light of the title, but in no other way. The last line has the most interesting phrase, laughter was the currency of youth. Your meaning is implied, but so briefly, it feels like a longer or different version of the poem could expand that final phrase.
(01-22-2016, 03:53 AM)BW BRINE Wrote: [ -> ]The buzzing of electric light
illuminates the cold campus sidewalks. ..:: I'd drop the 'the', but if you want to keep it, change the 'the buzzing' of the previous line to 'a buzzing eclectic light'
The autumn wind shimmers the trees, ... Too many 'the's. 'An Autumn'. 'Trees' is generic. I'd say 'poplars' or 'beeches' or 'baobab' - something specific
evicting the leaves from their once-called homes...... 'Its' instead of 'the'. Once called homes sounds as interesting as a cough medication. Don't use 'homes' unless there is a finer point that you are trying to make about the homeless, for instance, or children moving out. Else it comes across as flowery.
The pattering of untied shoes
with laces bouncing upon leather tongues ... Nice lines
reminds me of the better days
when laughter was the currency of youth. .... The metaphor of currency is lost on me. It doesn't link back to anything else in the poem.
-BW BRINE
Overall, nice start.
(01-22-2016, 03:53 AM)BW BRINE Wrote: [ -> ]The buzzing of electric light --- I would lose 'of' or make 'light' plural
illuminates the cold campus sidewalks.- I'd lose the 'the'
The autumn wind shimmers the trees,- I'd try another verb here....and specify the type of tree for added depth
evicting the leaves from their once-called homes.- lose the 'the' before leaves
The pattering of untied shoes
with laces bouncing upon leather tongues- I'd maybe change 'upon' to 'on' and take out 'with'
reminds me of the better days- no 'the' needed here
when laughter was the currency of youth.
-BW BRINE
Nice overall flow, but I'd add another stanza to tie it all together. There's a disconnect between the two right now.
I'm wondering about buzzing electric light. Although it can happen, perhaps it would be better to think of something more related to light. “harsh glow”, “soft glow” - something that relates to light but sets the mood. This is really only a minor point.
The second stanza has an air of something lost and, in fact, I sense a strong feeling over the last line. To me it means when life was carefree and happiness came easily, and was the main thing shared.
(01-22-2016, 07:40 AM)kkieran Wrote: [ -> ] (01-22-2016, 03:53 AM)BW BRINE Wrote: [ -> ]The buzzing of electric light --- I would lose 'of' or make 'light' plural
illuminates the cold campus sidewalks.- I'd lose the 'the'
The autumn wind shimmers the trees,- I'd try another verb here....and specify the type of tree for added depth
evicting the leaves from their once-called homes.- lose the 'the' before leaves
The pattering of untied shoes
with laces bouncing upon leather tongues- I'd maybe change 'upon' to 'on' and take out 'with'
reminds me of the better days- no 'the' needed here
when laughter was the currency of youth.
-BW BRINE
Nice overall flow, but I'd add another stanza to tie it all together. There's a disconnect between the two right now.
Do you suggest a new stanza in the middle, or at the end? Also, thanks for the suggestions (and everyone else, thanks, too - they have been noted).
(01-23-2016, 05:51 AM)Julius Wrote: [ -> ]I'm wondering about buzzing electric light. Although it can happen, perhaps it would be better to think of something more related to light. “harsh glow”, “soft glow” - something that relates to light but sets the mood. This is really only a minor point.
The second stanza has an air of something lost and, in fact, I sense a strong feeling over the last line. To me it means when life was carefree and happiness came easily, and was the main thing shared.
The electric light is a lamppost; a streetlight. When you walk under the streetlights, you can hear the electrical circuits buzzing.
The second stanza is supposed to be "painting a picture" of youth being lost in this campus cold (what with the whole growing up thing). I do agree that there should be another stanza to make that more clear, but as of yet I haven't done anything to accomplish that.
-BW
(01-22-2016, 03:53 AM)BW BRINE Wrote: [ -> ]The buzzing of electric light
illuminates the cold campus sidewalks.
The autumn wind shimmers the trees,the adjective shimmers here bothers me... the image doesnt quite jive.
evicting the leaves from their once-called homes.once-called homes is a good image but isnt actually correct in the phrase when you think about it. I like the words, just not here. I would think of something a bit simpler, and leave "once-called" on a notebook page for later.
The pattering of untied shoes
with laces bouncing upon leather tonguesI understand leather tongues, but untied shoes actually bouce off of the sidewalk...this is great opportunity to connect the image from line 2.
reminds me of the better days
when laughter was the currency of youth.great last line
-BW BRINE
Other than the thoughts outlined above, i would suggest changing some phrasing. Your basic form for most sentences/lines is The (descriptor) of (adjective-noun) (verb) the (imagery phrase). Its very poetic, but also very overused. Experiment with switching up form and order a bit more. I feel there is a deeper image and meaning to this piece, but i need a little more to get it. Keep working, its a great piece.
-Liz
The buzzing of electric light
illuminates the cold campus sidewalks. ---I would remove 'the' ----
The autumn wind shimmers the trees, --Remove 'the' here too
evicting the leaves from their once-called homes. --I would leave this here--
--I would add a stanza here--
The pattering of untied shoes
with laces bouncing upon leather tongues
--OK, I like this---
reminds me of the better days
when laughter was the currency of youth. --I would remove the--
Overall, nice little piece. I would look forward to a stanza in the middle.
Thanks for all the help, guys. I've posted an edit in the OP - take a look and let me know what you think. I'm not sure if it's done quite yet, but this helps substantially, I think.
Specifically, adding one more stanza between the second and third might fill it out completely, and tell a complete story.
-BW
This poem seems to have an emotional goal stated in the last line:
"when laughter was the currency of youth."
Everything that precedes this line is suppose to be an image or a representation of it (that is the disillusionment associated with the coming of adulthood), yet this is not the case. Some images fit, the leaves being cast out from their homes, in the second edit. Youth is no more and there is no laughter. The world is a cold grey place; a place of disillusionment. Yet, while S2 may be said to superficially address this, it does not as it fails to tie it's image into the overall idea of the poem. While S3 works better, the use of the word "pattering" is a bit of a distractions, especially when tapping would have served the same purposed. It may have been the author's intent to use "pattering" to connect with other elements of the poem, but this works only marginally at best and the word is rarely associated with the tapping of a shoe, the reason being is that "pattering" has the connotation of being random, while "tapping" has the connotation of being regular.
The pattering of the rain on the window made me drowsy.
The tapping of his shoe on the floor kept time with the music.
So while this is a nice gloomy coming of age piece, it still has many problematic areas that need to be addressed.
Best,
dale
(02-04-2016, 02:35 AM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]This poem seems to have an emotional goal stated in the last line:
"when laughter was the currency of youth."
Everything that precedes this line is suppose to be an image or a representation of it (that is the disillusionment associated with the coming of adulthood), yet this is not the case. Some images fit, the leaves being cast out from their homes, in the second edit. Youth is no more and there is no laughter. The world is a cold grey place; a place of disillusionment. Yet, while S2 may be said to superficially address this, it does not as it fails to tie it's image into the overall idea of the poem. While S3 works better, the use of the word "pattering" is a bit of a distractions, especially when tapping would have served the same purposed. It may have been the author's intent to use "pattering" to connect with other elements of the poem, but this works only marginally at best and the word is rarely associated with the tapping of a shoe, the reason being is that "pattering" has the connotation of being random, while "tapping" has the connotation of being regular.
The pattering of the rain on the window made me drowsy.
The tapping of his shoe on the floor kept time with the music.
So while this is a nice gloomy coming of age piece, it still has many problematic areas that need to be addressed.
Best,
dale
Hi dale,
Thanks for your input! The 'pattering' isn't supposed to be tapping; it's supposed to be pattering. Imagine looking out that window and seeing all of the people walking across campus. That would be a disorganized sound - much like the pattering of children's shoes when they're running amok with untied shoelaces. Now, maybe ultimately that connection isn't obvious and doesn't make a lot of sense, but for the time being, I guess, I wasn't trying to imply tapping at all.
I agree that the second stanza doesn't really tie in with the disillusionment of adulthood but does connect in a more general sense. That's one reason why I think adding another stanza where this is more explicit would be helpful - something that really speaks home about missing home, having these expectations that don't live up, things being different and being happy, if ignorant, as a child (even if it was only a few months ago!).
Your observations are incredibly insightful and I'm thankful you've chosen to comment on this thread! I look forward to hearing your thoughts after the next edit. I've taken a liking to this one and hope to make it exceptional.
-BW
I think it has a lot of potential, and well worth the effort.
Good luck with it. Feel free to PM me after your next edit, if I miss it, I will be interested in seeing how it progresses.
Best,
dale