02-04-2016, 02:35 AM
This poem seems to have an emotional goal stated in the last line:
"when laughter was the currency of youth."
Everything that precedes this line is suppose to be an image or a representation of it (that is the disillusionment associated with the coming of adulthood), yet this is not the case. Some images fit, the leaves being cast out from their homes, in the second edit. Youth is no more and there is no laughter. The world is a cold grey place; a place of disillusionment. Yet, while S2 may be said to superficially address this, it does not as it fails to tie it's image into the overall idea of the poem. While S3 works better, the use of the word "pattering" is a bit of a distractions, especially when tapping would have served the same purposed. It may have been the author's intent to use "pattering" to connect with other elements of the poem, but this works only marginally at best and the word is rarely associated with the tapping of a shoe, the reason being is that "pattering" has the connotation of being random, while "tapping" has the connotation of being regular.
The pattering of the rain on the window made me drowsy.
The tapping of his shoe on the floor kept time with the music.
So while this is a nice gloomy coming of age piece, it still has many problematic areas that need to be addressed.
Best,
dale
"when laughter was the currency of youth."
Everything that precedes this line is suppose to be an image or a representation of it (that is the disillusionment associated with the coming of adulthood), yet this is not the case. Some images fit, the leaves being cast out from their homes, in the second edit. Youth is no more and there is no laughter. The world is a cold grey place; a place of disillusionment. Yet, while S2 may be said to superficially address this, it does not as it fails to tie it's image into the overall idea of the poem. While S3 works better, the use of the word "pattering" is a bit of a distractions, especially when tapping would have served the same purposed. It may have been the author's intent to use "pattering" to connect with other elements of the poem, but this works only marginally at best and the word is rarely associated with the tapping of a shoe, the reason being is that "pattering" has the connotation of being random, while "tapping" has the connotation of being regular.
The pattering of the rain on the window made me drowsy.
The tapping of his shoe on the floor kept time with the music.
So while this is a nice gloomy coming of age piece, it still has many problematic areas that need to be addressed.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.