On Happiness

[tectak]

Hi ellz,
I would be lying if I said that this had merit, in a strictly personal and subjective way...so on that confession any critique will be biassed against the piece. The line by line comments are really pointers as to why the thing fails for me, though others may take from it some pleasures derived from form or style.





This is white space...I have no idea what it is for. Just thought I would stick some more in to see if the more the better. Hmmmm.





“am i happy” Pointedly purposeless failings in punctuation are a cop out. Leaving behind all literally ethical reasons for not capitalising and beginning with an unpunctuated question IS pointless when you still use quotation marks.  This is in the Serious forum so it should be serious in at least one area. I suggest consistent punctuation would be a good starting point.  
I ask the Internet I am not unfamiliar with the technology of packet data transfer and html protocol so I find it irksome that anyone could consider asking "the internet" a question. If this strange phraseology is ignorance of the technology then fair enough...I guess you may just be confused. On the other hand, if you believe what you have written is sensible then well, it is not.
as I sit in old pajamas Not sure of the relevance of these two lines. If they were to contra the disguised point that in spite of old ( quaint or retro) pajamas you were up to speed with your tablet technology then I could JUST see something in them...but I do not think that the piece is that subtle. I warned you that this is how I see it, so please excuse the lack of formal dissent. I am critting the poem not the poet.
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM. I mean...so what?
I have a staring match with the search bar. Clumsy and innacurate. I would not go here...blinking search bars are not in my area of expertise...do you mean "blinking cursor"? I ask because I do not know. Again, not easy reading from a technophile's viewpoint but let's see if there may be some metaphor looming. That would be nice.
It blinks first, but it is I who’s lost speaking for myself, personally, I.....GRRRRR!
myself in Google pages
on topics of self help and otherwise who told you to say "otherwise" when you cannot think of anything else to say? It is the WRONG word. It does NOT mean "other things" and even if it did it is a weak ending to the line. By the by, have you read your words OUT LOUD.
but helplessly
I find no self love Now look. This is just nonsense. There is no other way of saying it. Tell me, where would you expect to find self love? I mean, where the hell would you look? The clue is in the word....SELF. just drop the pointlessly pretentious "anywhere"
anywhere.
 
An ad flashes neon at me: I do not know what this means and care less.
 
want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!)
and answers to all life’s questions? At last, words I can say I can relate to....but they are not your words. I accept that what you are attempting here is conceptually sound but you could put more effort in to the profundity and punctuation. Adverts rely upon "punchy" delivery, and in every case punctuation is a great tool to concentrate the message. Just "listing" the mundanity of what the adverts ACTUALLY say is possibly the purpose of the stanza;if so, good on you,  but without punctuation the mundanity becomes the method not the message.  
 
Tell me.
no.
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could…
 
for christ’s sake
 
I tap the “home” key I write this as an afterthough. The poem begins here
but I’m not in mommy’s arms;
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party. Good. Well observed and expressed. How it stands out
 

My heart beats its fists into my brain
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?
Like the third day of a caffeine trip.
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets,
stained by last week’s Joe
“He was handsomer at the bar”
I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called.
 
 
I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside
were the ugliest.
 
Double click.
Delete all.
Blink. Blink---
 
Blank. Yes. Yes. Yes. What the hell was that rubbish at the start about?