02-01-2016, 10:44 AM
The buzzing of electric light
illuminates the cold campus sidewalks. ---I would remove 'the' ----
The autumn wind shimmers the trees, --Remove 'the' here too
evicting the leaves from their once-called homes. --I would leave this here--
--I would add a stanza here--
The pattering of untied shoes
with laces bouncing upon leather tongues
--OK, I like this---
reminds me of the better days
when laughter was the currency of youth. --I would remove the--
Overall, nice little piece. I would look forward to a stanza in the middle.
illuminates the cold campus sidewalks. ---I would remove 'the' ----
The autumn wind shimmers the trees, --Remove 'the' here too
evicting the leaves from their once-called homes. --I would leave this here--
--I would add a stanza here--
The pattering of untied shoes
with laces bouncing upon leather tongues
--OK, I like this---
reminds me of the better days
when laughter was the currency of youth. --I would remove the--
Overall, nice little piece. I would look forward to a stanza in the middle.