Younger than your luck

[Keith]

Good job this is cool.   I could hear the beat.  I liked the imagery of lipstick on vodka shots, I could picture foundation covering teenage skin, and the buttons bursting.
"when fifteen girls feel thirteen" was unexpected but in a good way, like things were happening TO and along with the beat of the poem you know. and, "he said he hadn't heard" worked well as a finish. 

it might just be me, but "mascara closes afraid of the scene" didn't evoke a powerful image until i had read and processed the poem a few times. i think i get what you were trying for, but i just didn't get it in time with the imagery in the rest of the poem. maybe there is another way to word it? "mascara closes" i think "closes" could be replaced... it just seems like maybe there is a more descriptive way to show what you mean that line?

I like the title.

This is really good feedback skye thank you for taking the time its always good to know what does and doesn't work, this poem was a bit of an experiment for me, I will have a look at the mascara scene as it also sounds a bit forced on reflection, thank you, Keith

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Can't say I like the title, but the poem is interesting.


dale

Thanks Dale, titles can be an issue at times