01-28-2016, 04:06 PM
I will agree with both aschueler and Qdeathstar on this one. I actually like a good use of archaisms, just not an overly liberal use of archaisms. Good uses, not 'kinda-okay uses.' Regarding Qdeathstar, I think it does say a lot less than is written (mainly because none of the images are able to tell me anything solid). One mark of good poetry is that there is a high compression ratio: more content in less words, rather than less content with more words. Aschueler touched on my technical issues, particularly the switch between the archaic 'thou' and modern 'you/your.' Ultimately, I think the best step forward is to solidify your metaphors. It's going somewhere, but taking too many routes to get there.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona