01-23-2016, 03:32 AM
(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know? Found the first line opening with a question confusing. Perhaps combine lines 1 and 2 and use a comma after 'know'. Completing the idea.
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am? I feel like this is rhetorical but expressive. I think you still get the same emotional effect even if you lose this line.
Even when you’re home?
Rocking on the bathroom floor
Back and forth back and forth add a comma between forth and back?
Manic laughter primal sobs I would put a comma between laughter and sobs, to separate the two contrasting ideas.
I WATCHED myself lose it maybe add some imagery, "I was the reflection of myself, losing control"
Don’t you THINK I know? Ending the sentence with know makes it seem incomplete, maybe use a comma between the first two lines in this stanza.
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost?
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected I feel like you could use this line to provoke more imagery "I saw my crazy eyes looking back"
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am? Don't think you need this last stanza, make the poem seem very confusing.
I like how expressive this poem is. I feel like I know exactly how the narrator this inner dialogue sounds. I feel like the narrator of the poems has a mental illness or has been effected by one.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
--mark twain
Bunx

