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+--- Thread: Stop looking at me like that (/thread-18238.html)
Stop looking at me like that - Skye - 01-22-2016
Don’t you THINK I know?
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am?
Even when you’re home?
Rocking on the bathroom floor
Back and forth back and forth
Manic laughter primal sobs
I WATCHED myself lose it
Don’t you THINK I know?
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost?
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am?
RE: Stop looking at me like that - dukealien - 01-22-2016
(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know?This is very expressive, while also including effective narrative and description. You show much rather than tell, but also tell narratively in first-person.
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am?
Even when you’re home?
Rocking on the bathroom floor
Back and forth back and forth
Manic laughter primal sobs
I WATCHED myself lose it
Don’t you THINK I know?
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost?
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am?
Technically, some will dislike capitalizing at the beginning of each line even when it's the continuation of a sentence (or at all), calling it archaic. I have no problem with it, though it's seldom seen these days in blank verse such as this. To me, it adds someting because it feels like fast-breathing in hysteria, sentences broken up by hiccups and gasps rather than typographic convention. Other critics may differ.
Beginning most lines with an accented syllable (trochee or the like) adds to the above effect - I picture the speaker's head snapping forward in anger or desperatioin.
My one confusion is exactly whom the speaker is addressing. Early in the poem, it would be a spouse, lover, or roommate who's not helping. Later (and, retrospectively, what came before) it seems more like the speaker's "other" personality, the sane or insane one compared with who's complaining about it. I also thought it might be the speaker's drug of abuse - the location in the bathroom, as when suffering withdrawal cramps - but on the whole, think it's the other self. What convinced me of that was embrace around the shoulder blades: even tried it to see if one person could manage it (yes), and a physically other person, unless very tall, would tend to embrace lower down on the back.
My only technical critique was reflection (of those eyes, presumably in a mirror) while the speaker is curled or sitting on the tiles. Couldn't fit a full-length mirror into the construct, so placed a wall-to-wall mirror above a counter, motel-fashion, with the speaker peeking above it to see the speaker's own distraught eyes.
Good, emotional expression. Next, think how you're going to top it!
RE: Stop looking at me like that - Bunx - 01-23-2016
(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know? Found the first line opening with a question confusing. Perhaps combine lines 1 and 2 and use a comma after 'know'. Completing the idea.
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am? I feel like this is rhetorical but expressive. I think you still get the same emotional effect even if you lose this line.
Even when you’re home?
Rocking on the bathroom floor
Back and forth back and forth add a comma between forth and back?
Manic laughter primal sobs I would put a comma between laughter and sobs, to separate the two contrasting ideas.
I WATCHED myself lose it maybe add some imagery, "I was the reflection of myself, losing control"
Don’t you THINK I know? Ending the sentence with know makes it seem incomplete, maybe use a comma between the first two lines in this stanza.
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost?
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected I feel like you could use this line to provoke more imagery "I saw my crazy eyes looking back"
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am? Don't think you need this last stanza, make the poem seem very confusing.
I like how expressive this poem is. I feel like I know exactly how the narrator this inner dialogue sounds. I feel like the narrator of the poems has a mental illness or has been effected by one.
RE: Stop looking at me like that - the french these days - 01-23-2016
Seems like a lot is going on in the mind of the narrator, for sure, but not much of that is being sent my way. I wanna know why you're hysterical, I don't need to know every detail but even one clue helps--readers have a way of filling in the rest of the blanks themselves.
Stylistically, I feel as though this poem could use some more wild imagery that I feel you've totally got in you! Maybe throw in a bit of harsh syllable alliteration and try using some crazy cacophony--maybe even very your stanza structure, because if our narrator is this hysterical then I don't see his words really being contained to a 4 line stanza, yeah?
Good job dude! Let us know how you revise it!
RE: Stop looking at me like that - Brujo - 01-25-2016
(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know? -- I don't think the caps adds anything to the piece
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am?
Even when you’re home?
Rocking on the bathroom floor
Back and forth back and forth
Manic laughter primal sobs -- I like the idea of this line, maybe try difference descriptions. As now, it sounds a bit cheesy.
I WATCHED myself lose it
Don’t you THINK I know?
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost?
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile --I like this stanza
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected --again not sure about the use of caps. I don't like the use "crazy eyes" maybe something like " I saw foreign eyes reflected"
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am?
A very chaotic piece, which is part of why this poem works. I can only imagine what the speaker has gone through. However, with its chaotic nature, I think a bit of meaning is lost. Maybe try to be a bit more descriptive or even add some more stanzas, but just enough not to reveal a full image. I think that's another pro of this poem is that we are left to wonder what happened to the speaker and come to our own conclusions.
-Nick
RE: Stop looking at me like that - Erthona - 01-26-2016
Not sure the title really fits the poem. If the poem were characterized as a psychotic love poem, then the title would be a "borderline" title. So they are a bit at odds. Of course the speaker seems to try to make the reality larger than it really is (unless there really is a psychotic break occurring), but overall it is indicative of some sort of grief (as a further line confirms) in someone who is still young enough not understand the process and so pushes away comfort while at the same time holding on to it.
If that is what is going on, this seems a very clear rendition of that sort of situation. So the clarity of the vision is good. However that is all that it is. It really doesn't go beyond this superficial rendition, or exhibit any deep awareness or insight into the event, that is to say there is but one layer of the poem no matter how energetic it is.
Certainly there are many positives to take away from this piece and there is more than a hint of some talent here.
Best,
dale
RE: Stop looking at me like that - just mercedes - 01-26-2016
(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know? The capitals here don't work, for me.Hi Skye - I like the sense of strangeness that comes from your poem. I'm not sure who you're addressing though, whether it's another person, or your divided psyche. I'd like to read this with more punctuation added, and minus the caps at the start of every line.
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am?
Even when you’re home? I don't think every line needs a question mark.
Rocking on the bathroom floor I'm not sure who is rocking etc - the 'you' or the narrator
Back and forth back and forth
Manic laughter primal sobs
I WATCHED myself lose it Tense change
Don’t you THINK I know?
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost? Again, no need for all the questions marks
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected Uneasy change from present to past - was that intended?
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am?
RE: Stop looking at me like that - kkieran - 01-27-2016
(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know? Get rid of the full caps. Also, I'm not sure why the other person would be more aware of how alone you are/feel-- of course you knowIt's always super hard to convey emotional extremes, especially when in the midst of them. There's so much anger and sadness here,- I'd like to know a little more about the source. Who are you talking to? What have they done...or haven't done? If you can find a way to give the reader some reference, as to why you're feeling this way, I think it would help make this piece more relevant.
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am?
Even when you’re home?
Rocking on the bathroom floor- I'd rework these first two lines, or reverse the order
Back and forth back and forth
Manic laughter primal sobs
I WATCHED myself lose it - sounds like a dissociative episode-- as if you were out of your body, seeing this happen
Don’t you THINK I know?
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost?
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am?
RE: Stop looking at me like that - Skye - 01-30-2016
(01-25-2016, 04:40 AM)Brujo Wrote:(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know? -- I don't think the caps adds anything to the piece
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am?
Even when you’re home?
Rocking on the bathroom floor
Back and forth back and forth
Manic laughter primal sobs -- I like the idea of this line, maybe try difference descriptions. As now, it sounds a bit cheesy.
I WATCHED myself lose it
Don’t you THINK I know?
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost?
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile --I like this stanza
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected --again not sure about the use of caps. I don't like the use "crazy eyes" maybe something like " I saw foreign eyes reflected"
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am?
A very chaotic piece, which is part of why this poem works. I can only imagine what the speaker has gone through. However, with its chaotic nature, I think a bit of meaning is lost. Maybe try to be a bit more descriptive or even add some more stanzas, but just enough not to reveal a full image. I think that's another pro of this poem is that we are left to wonder what happened to the speaker and come to our own conclusions.
-Nick
Thanks so much for the tips! I'm definitely considering everything.
(01-27-2016, 01:29 AM)kkieran Wrote:Thank you for commenting. I was going for a dissociative feeling in that one line. Grateful for the help.(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know? Get rid of the full caps. Also, I'm not sure why the other person would be more aware of how alone you are/feel-- of course you knowIt's always super hard to convey emotional extremes, especially when in the midst of them. There's so much anger and sadness here,- I'd like to know a little more about the source. Who are you talking to? What have they done...or haven't done? If you can find a way to give the reader some reference, as to why you're feeling this way, I think it would help make this piece more relevant.
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am?
Even when you’re home?
Rocking on the bathroom floor- I'd rework these first two lines, or reverse the order
Back and forth back and forth
Manic laughter primal sobs
I WATCHED myself lose it - sounds like a dissociative episode-- as if you were out of your body, seeing this happen
Don’t you THINK I know?
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost?
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am?
(01-26-2016, 02:42 PM)just mercedes Wrote:Thanks so much for replying. I'll consider everything as I work on it.(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know? The capitals here don't work, for me.Hi Skye - I like the sense of strangeness that comes from your poem. I'm not sure who you're addressing though, whether it's another person, or your divided psyche. I'd like to read this with more punctuation added, and minus the caps at the start of every line.
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am?
Even when you’re home? I don't think every line needs a question mark.
Rocking on the bathroom floor I'm not sure who is rocking etc - the 'you' or the narrator
Back and forth back and forth
Manic laughter primal sobs
I WATCHED myself lose it Tense change
Don’t you THINK I know?
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost? Again, no need for all the questions marks
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected Uneasy change from present to past - was that intended?
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am?
(01-26-2016, 06:18 AM)Erthona Wrote: Not sure the title really fits the poem. If the poem were characterized as a psychotic love poem, then the title would be a "borderline" title. So they are a bit at odds. Of course the speaker seems to try to make the reality larger than it really is (unless there really is a psychotic break occurring), but overall it is indicative of some sort of grief (as a further line confirms) in someone who is still young enough not understand the process and so pushes away comfort while at the same time holding on to it.
If that is what is going on, this seems a very clear rendition of that sort of situation. So the clarity of the vision is good. However that is all that it is. It really doesn't go beyond this superficial rendition, or exhibit any deep awareness or insight into the event, that is to say there is but one layer of the poem no matter how energetic it is.
Certainly there are many positives to take away from this piece and there is more than a hint of some talent here.
Best,
dale
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for the advice. I think I understand what you mean and hopefully I'll be able to improve.