Father Died

[71degrees]

Ive read this a few times and each time I read it I want to comment on the last two stanzas... but I've kinda thought about it and actually, I can't really figure out what the benifit of including them is. I think the poem says all it needs to say the opening stanza...

Thank you for saying this. Making me rethink some things.

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First off, exceptionally well done. I thought the first line and the last two paragraphs were intriguing, well executed, and very good as-is.

The transition between the salt and father yelling to get out of the room is as some other have pointed out a bit abrupt. 

I want to know just a little bit more about the context and the relationship. Perhaps just one more line or detail - I can't quite get a cohesive feeling for if he's screaming and the death is immediate (the same night as the taste of salt) or later. I also can't quite grasp the relationship between the two people. Providing just a bit more information, perhaps just one or two lines with some detail or clue, could create a more complete picture. However, I realize you may have intentionally left these parts of the poem vague. The other descriptions - ex: the autumn air- are so strong and complete it leaves me searching for a bit more clarity regarding the relationship and context. 

Overall excellent poem and thanks for sharing.

e

Thank you for this insight. I'm thinking I may want to reshuffle the list and move father toward the end. I'm thinking that might add that bit more clarity. That and another line. Again, thanks.

---

First off, exceptionally well done. I thought the first line and the last two paragraphs were intriguing, well executed, and very good as-is.

The transition between the salt and father yelling to get out of the room is as some other have pointed out a bit abrupt. 

I want to know just a little bit more about the context and the relationship. Perhaps just one more line or detail - I can't quite get a cohesive feeling for if he's screaming and the death is immediate (the same night as the taste of salt) or later. I also can't quite grasp the relationship between the two people. Providing just a bit more information, perhaps just one or two lines with some detail or clue, could create a more complete picture. However, I realize you may have intentionally left these parts of the poem vague. The other descriptions - ex: the autumn air- are so strong and complete it leaves me searching for a bit more clarity regarding the relationship and context. 

Overall excellent poem and thanks for sharing.

e

Thank you for this insight. I'm thinking I may want to reshuffle the list and move father toward the end. I'm thinking that might add that bit more clarity. That and another line. Again, thanks.