Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos.

How early morning autumn pulls the air
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath.

You know even after a death,
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't.

Hi 71 Degrees,

This is hard for me to give critique on.  I really like your second and third stanza.  I think this could be a very potent and pretty piece, but for me there are some issues in the first stanza.  As I was reading the comparisons didn't quite make a proper impression because I was distracted by the salt somehow leading to the night father died and etc.  I can see that father screaming to die alone could be a dose of straight table salt, but just the taste of salt is mentioned (which I do not find a bad thing...people add it to things to improve the taste).

(01-10-2016, 04:33 AM)71degrees Wrote:  (I don't think the night father screamed being compared to the taste of table salt quite works for me. It seems to me that following mention of the night he died that I am wanting more profound statements than a glass of water and barefoot in the grass. Then it seems the narrator is making quite a jump to the more unpleasant detail of missing light in family photos).
Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos.

How early morning autumn pulls the air (This is beautiful)
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath.

You know even after a death, (I like this ending.  Why?  I suppose because is about a cycle, so it is a nice comparison.)
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't.

I

(01-10-2016, 04:33 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos. a semicolon after die might make it less confusing. The list, though, looks a bit random. It might be better to stick with 'things you remember from the day father died' rather than 'things you remember'
How early morning autumn pulls the air
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath. beautiful

You know even after a death,
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't. .....too prosaic. i am assuming that the Canadian geese is a referred to spring. The world does in winter and is reborn in spring, but father does not return. It's not coming out as such in your lines.

Nice poem. Writing from a phone makes my crit above a tad cryptic pethaps. Hopefully still intelligible

(01-10-2016, 04:33 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos.

How early morning autumn pulls the air
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath.

You know even after a death,
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't.

Hey,

I was wondering, why did you put the lines
"the night father screamed at you 
to leave his room so he could die,"
between the salt and the glass of water, which are more basic known things?

I would have preferred seeing these lines at the end of the first stanza, and maybe after building up the different known things you are listing by order of intensity. And having these lines in the end of the first stanza would coordinate in structure with the last line of the second stanza.

For the second stanza, I don't know if the last line "You also know, he won't." is necessary. Or maybe it should be said differently. My idea is that you could maybe use the geese as an implicit image of hope, or a wish. But then, that would be the way I would have wanted to write the poem and not yours.

Overall, this is a very nice poem, and I am just being picky because there's not that much to add.

Thanks for the read!


Alex

(01-10-2016, 10:13 AM)Casey Renee Wrote:  Hi 71 Degrees,

This is hard for me to give critique on.  I really like your second and third stanza.  I think this could be a very potent and pretty piece, but for me there are some issues in the first stanza.  As I was reading the comparisons didn't quite make a proper impression because I was distracted by the salt somehow leading to the night father died and etc.  I can see that father screaming to die alone could be a dose of straight table salt, but just the taste of salt is mentioned (which I do not find a bad thing...people add it to things to improve the taste).

(01-10-2016, 04:33 AM)71degrees Wrote:  (I don't think the night father screamed being compared to the taste of table salt quite works for me. It seems to me that following mention of the night he died that I am wanting more profound statements than a glass of water and barefoot in the grass. Then it seems the narrator is making quite a jump to the more unpleasant detail of missing light in family photos).
Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos.

How early morning autumn pulls the air (This is beautiful)
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath.

You know even after a death, (I like this ending.  Why?  I suppose because is about a cycle, so it is a nice comparison.)
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't.

Glad you like stanzas 2 & 3. I will take another look at stanza 1. Was trying to get across the fact that the death was a "basic"...much like table salt or water. Obviously not coming across. We are so often shocked about one of more happening events in our lives. Thanks for your reservations here. I will revisit.

---

(01-13-2016, 12:51 AM)Alexearth Wrote:  

(01-10-2016, 04:33 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos.

How early morning autumn pulls the air
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath.

You know even after a death,
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't.

Hey,

I was wondering, why did you put the lines
"the night father screamed at you 
to leave his room so he could die,"
between the salt and the glass of water, which are more basic known things?

I would have preferred seeing these lines at the end of the first stanza, and maybe after building up the different known things you are listing by order of intensity. And having these lines in the end of the first stanza would coordinate in structure with the last line of the second stanza.

For the second stanza, I don't know if the last line "You also know, he won't." is necessary. Or maybe it should be said differently. My idea is that you could maybe use the geese as an implicit image of hope, or a wish. But then, that would be the way I would have wanted to write the poem and not yours.

Overall, this is a very nice poem, and I am just being picky because there's not that much to add.

Thanks for the read!


Alex

Thanks for the look and comments, Alex. Please see my response above to Casey R. Pretty much answers the "why" of the placement of the "scream" image. I will take another look. Appreciate all your comments.

---

(01-11-2016, 06:12 PM)Achebe Wrote:  I

(01-10-2016, 04:33 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos. a semicolon after die might make it less confusing. The list, though, looks a bit random. It might be better to stick with 'things you remember from the day father died' rather than 'things you remember'
How early morning autumn pulls the air
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath. beautiful

You know even after a death,
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't. .....too prosaic. i am assuming that the Canadian geese is a referred to spring. The world does in winter and is reborn in spring, but father does not return. It's not coming out as such in your lines.

Nice poem. Writing from a phone makes my crit above a tad cryptic pethaps. Hopefully still intelligible

I have yet to see a semi-colon make anything read better And these, random basic things are the things I remember. Thanks for the comments. Appreciate your POV here.

Ive read this a few times and each time I read it I want to comment on the last two stanzas... but I've kinda thought about it and actually, I can't really figure out what the benifit of including them is. I think the poem says all it needs to say the opening stanza...

First off, exceptionally well done. I thought the first line and the last two paragraphs were intriguing, well executed, and very good as-is.

The transition between the salt and father yelling to get out of the room is as some other have pointed out a bit abrupt. 

I want to know just a little bit more about the context and the relationship. Perhaps just one more line or detail - I can't quite get a cohesive feeling for if he's screaming and the death is immediate (the same night as the taste of salt) or later. I also can't quite grasp the relationship between the two people. Providing just a bit more information, perhaps just one or two lines with some detail or clue, could create a more complete picture. However, I realize you may have intentionally left these parts of the poem vague. The other descriptions - ex: the autumn air- are so strong and complete it leaves me searching for a bit more clarity regarding the relationship and context. 

Overall excellent poem and thanks for sharing.

(01-17-2016, 09:08 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  Ive read this a few times and each time I read it I want to comment on the last two stanzas... but I've kinda thought about it and actually, I can't really figure out what the benifit of including them is. I think the poem says all it needs to say the opening stanza...

Thank you for saying this. Making me rethink some things.

---

(01-21-2016, 02:26 PM)Laxschmi Wrote:  First off, exceptionally well done. I thought the first line and the last two paragraphs were intriguing, well executed, and very good as-is.

The transition between the salt and father yelling to get out of the room is as some other have pointed out a bit abrupt. 

I want to know just a little bit more about the context and the relationship. Perhaps just one more line or detail - I can't quite get a cohesive feeling for if he's screaming and the death is immediate (the same night as the taste of salt) or later. I also can't quite grasp the relationship between the two people. Providing just a bit more information, perhaps just one or two lines with some detail or clue, could create a more complete picture. However, I realize you may have intentionally left these parts of the poem vague. The other descriptions - ex: the autumn air- are so strong and complete it leaves me searching for a bit more clarity regarding the relationship and context. 

Overall excellent poem and thanks for sharing.

e

Thank you for this insight. I'm thinking I may want to reshuffle the list and move father toward the end. I'm thinking that might add that bit more clarity. That and another line. Again, thanks.

---

(01-21-2016, 02:26 PM)Laxschmi Wrote:  First off, exceptionally well done. I thought the first line and the last two paragraphs were intriguing, well executed, and very good as-is.

The transition between the salt and father yelling to get out of the room is as some other have pointed out a bit abrupt. 

I want to know just a little bit more about the context and the relationship. Perhaps just one more line or detail - I can't quite get a cohesive feeling for if he's screaming and the death is immediate (the same night as the taste of salt) or later. I also can't quite grasp the relationship between the two people. Providing just a bit more information, perhaps just one or two lines with some detail or clue, could create a more complete picture. However, I realize you may have intentionally left these parts of the poem vague. The other descriptions - ex: the autumn air- are so strong and complete it leaves me searching for a bit more clarity regarding the relationship and context. 

Overall excellent poem and thanks for sharing.

e

Thank you for this insight. I'm thinking I may want to reshuffle the list and move father toward the end. I'm thinking that might add that bit more clarity. That and another line. Again, thanks.

Hi 71. I just want to make sure that when you edit you keep

"the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,"

I love that you included this, and as one of the things we know as nothing else. The words of a cranky dying person slip in while our hearts are wide open and stay there. I appreciate you writing about it.

Original

Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos.

How early morning autumn pulls the air
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath.

You know even after a death,
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't.

Revision #1

Most things are known through life:
the clear taste of a glass of water,
being barefoot in morning grass,
or the absence of light in family photos

table salt, how it looked in the shaker
of the visitor’s lounge the night
father screamed at you to leave
his room so he could die,
or how early morning autumn pulls
air out of a person, one breath at a time

knowing with undying certainty
that each spring Canada geese will return
to the field beyond your back yard,
even as he won’t.

Your poem 'pulls / air out of' me. A tough subject, and I admire the way you've handled it. I know the conflict of feelings at such a time. No suggestions for revision - I like your revision.