01-20-2016, 09:38 AM
Good job this is cool. 
I could hear the beat. I liked the imagery of lipstick on vodka shots, I could picture foundation covering teenage skin, and the buttons bursting.
"when fifteen girls feel thirteen" was unexpected but in a good way, like things were happening TO and along with the beat of the poem you know. and, "he said he hadn't heard" worked well as a finish.
it might just be me, but "mascara closes afraid of the scene" didn't evoke a powerful image until i had read and processed the poem a few times. i think i get what you were trying for, but i just didn't get it in time with the imagery in the rest of the poem. maybe there is another way to word it? "mascara closes" i think "closes" could be replaced... it just seems like maybe there is a more descriptive way to show what you mean that line?
I like the title.
I could hear the beat. I liked the imagery of lipstick on vodka shots, I could picture foundation covering teenage skin, and the buttons bursting."when fifteen girls feel thirteen" was unexpected but in a good way, like things were happening TO and along with the beat of the poem you know. and, "he said he hadn't heard" worked well as a finish.
it might just be me, but "mascara closes afraid of the scene" didn't evoke a powerful image until i had read and processed the poem a few times. i think i get what you were trying for, but i just didn't get it in time with the imagery in the rest of the poem. maybe there is another way to word it? "mascara closes" i think "closes" could be replaced... it just seems like maybe there is a more descriptive way to show what you mean that line?
I like the title.