01-18-2016, 02:13 AM
dukealien,
Thank you very much for the excellent critique. I will use about 75% of it. Some I think is just misunderstanding, but I will look at that also. "proverbs" since you have brought it to my attention, should be capitalized, thus referring to the book of "Proverbs". I was thinking especially of the passage:
"Wisdom shouts in the street, She lifts her voice in the square; At the head of the noisy streets she cries out; At the entrance of the gates in the city she utters her sayings:…" Proverbs 1:20 My bad on not making that more clear.
Thus:
The coin of proverbs (the words of Wisdom) cannot be given or spent,
on those who desire wisdom only to rent.
I'll admit to a little obscurity, but I figured the basic idea would get across even without knowledge of the specific reference to the Biblical book. Thank you again, for I now see I need to cap "proverbs".
Speaking of capitalization, I do not hold with capitalizing the start of ever line in a sonnet, although I had a more subtle motive for doing so, as you might notice the start of every fourth line starts with "Contend you not..." and although it is a bit of a ball-peen hammer to the temples, that was my intent...judicious or not (one must consider the audience for whom this is written).
I think if you look up "evade" and a "save" "veyd" and "eyv" (from dictionary.com) you will see they are a fairly close rhyme.
Mixed metaphor me? I am the King of the metaphor
Good point, but let us break it down.
"it flees on fearful legs its thoughts to blind"
There are two parts to this line. Part uno: it runs away from the truth/wisdom, so it will not have to change its mind (its thoughts to bind) the first part, the running, has nothing to do with the second part, the closed mindedness.
So no, running does not blind, running gets it away from what it does not want to hear. That seems clear to me, and maybe you just misread it, but after this explanation, if it still seems unclear, let me know.
Everything else you have pointed out I agree with. Adding "caravel" was a last minute change and had been carnival, but that did not even come close to a rhyme, so I changed the end word, but little else. I like your suggestion on the word change there.
I thought a sonnet would be a good workshop piece. At best I write one about once every three years, just to see if I still can. It is certainly not my forte and I appreciate all the help.
Best,
dale
Thank you very much for the excellent critique. I will use about 75% of it. Some I think is just misunderstanding, but I will look at that also. "proverbs" since you have brought it to my attention, should be capitalized, thus referring to the book of "Proverbs". I was thinking especially of the passage:
"Wisdom shouts in the street, She lifts her voice in the square; At the head of the noisy streets she cries out; At the entrance of the gates in the city she utters her sayings:…" Proverbs 1:20 My bad on not making that more clear.
Thus:
The coin of proverbs (the words of Wisdom) cannot be given or spent,
on those who desire wisdom only to rent.
I'll admit to a little obscurity, but I figured the basic idea would get across even without knowledge of the specific reference to the Biblical book. Thank you again, for I now see I need to cap "proverbs".
Speaking of capitalization, I do not hold with capitalizing the start of ever line in a sonnet, although I had a more subtle motive for doing so, as you might notice the start of every fourth line starts with "Contend you not..." and although it is a bit of a ball-peen hammer to the temples, that was my intent...judicious or not (one must consider the audience for whom this is written).
I think if you look up "evade" and a "save" "veyd" and "eyv" (from dictionary.com) you will see they are a fairly close rhyme.
Mixed metaphor me? I am the King of the metaphor
Good point, but let us break it down."it flees on fearful legs its thoughts to blind"
There are two parts to this line. Part uno: it runs away from the truth/wisdom, so it will not have to change its mind (its thoughts to bind) the first part, the running, has nothing to do with the second part, the closed mindedness.
So no, running does not blind, running gets it away from what it does not want to hear. That seems clear to me, and maybe you just misread it, but after this explanation, if it still seems unclear, let me know.
Everything else you have pointed out I agree with. Adding "caravel" was a last minute change and had been carnival, but that did not even come close to a rhyme, so I changed the end word, but little else. I like your suggestion on the word change there.
I thought a sonnet would be a good workshop piece. At best I write one about once every three years, just to see if I still can. It is certainly not my forte and I appreciate all the help.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.