Grass-ocean-bondage thing

[Frankee_thecat]

Hi, I've been writing poetry for a couple of weeks - know nothing about it - but feel like a duck to water. Big Boy having Reality Check so Go Hard.
I was given the first 2 lines:

She lay back
Hair split ‘round in grass.
 
Erect, green comb-teeth,
pierce running black locks
coursing all non-compliant,
defiant lee lost.
 
She lay
back arching safe passage
over a bed of green nails,
while soft green silk ribbons
lapped at her toes.
 
She
lay back down
and the channel was crushed,
dawning sun-faced delight;
sighing sea green horizon.

[Leanne]

She lay back
Hair split ‘round in grass. -- why 'round?  Why the attempt at a poeticism, when it's physically confounding?  Is it split or is it entwined around something?  Or is it just spread?  
 
Erect, green comb-teeth,  -- the commas makes this nonsensical.  Are they erect green comb-teeth or are they piercing the hair to erection?  
pierce running black locks
coursing all non-compliant, 
defiant lee lost. -- you may assume this is a clever way to write defiantly.  To any reader tired of twee attempts to arbitrarily change spelling and make puns where none actually exist, this just looks like you've misspelled the meadow lea or for some bizarre reason, her sheltered side has lost its defiance.  Because there's a kind of nautical thing going on, I'm guessing that's supposed to somehow extend your metaphor but the concept of a "defiant lee" is just not right.
 
She lay 
back arching safe passage -- the arch of the back created safe passage?
over a bed of green nails,
while soft green silk ribbons -- there are synonyms for green, you know.  And adjectives other than colours.
lapped at her toes.
 
She
lay back down -- because you've got "back arching" in the previous strophe, this just reads as if it's describing her position: back down, not front down.  Unexciting.
and the channel was crushed,
dawning sun-faced delight;
sighing sea green horizon. -- oh, what a surprise.  More green.

Yeah, you know those rules?  Don't fuck them until you become better acquainted.

[Frankee_thecat]

I only know enough for a little self censure


Really appreciate your time Leanne.

I'll pour over this today.

Very clear.

Awesome, thanks!

PS make deep penetrating love to the rules!

[Leanne]

Good to hear. Clarify your metaphor, by the way. I really wasn't sure whether I was reading about a woman being raped and murdered in a swamp or ship going down on a coral reef. Ambiguity is great, but it's got to be purposeful ambiguity

[Todd]

Hi, here are some comments for you. I haven't read any of the other comments so I'm sorry if it repeats:

I love the title. Makes me want to read the poem.

She lay back--I realize you were given the first two lines as a jumping off point, but any interest the title gave me was lost by this flat opening. "She lay back". This actually causes me to lose faith in the poem.
Hair split ‘round in grass.--Again, really clumsy phrasing that doesn't do much. She's laying down, check. Her hair is split round maybe splayed on the grass in some way. This is just the bland reporting of detail. The title promises some level of interest--but so far the promise isn't realized yet.
 
Erect, green comb-teeth,--Now the wording just gets choppy. We're imaging the grass blades themselves like a mouth of sorts chewing or holding down her hair.
pierce running black locks--running black locks doesn't add much. Again this is pointing out details instead of capturing the idea in a fresh image. Outside of hair color nothing is added. This feels like you could cut and condense a lot of this and be much tighter in your diction.
coursing all non-compliant, --What is the advantage of using running above and then using coursing here? Coursing is the more evocative word. All non-compliant just seems like it's here to rhyme with defiant. It doesn't add much.
defiant lee lost.--This type of attempt isn't that effective. If you were going to go for it. You would have to commit from the very beginning and push the poem to the absurd--it still might not work, but just putting it in like this comes across poorly.
 
She lay--This could have a good idea in it. I think if you want this to work you need to commit at the beginning to a longer line that you can cut portions off to shift the meaning in entirely different directions. The problem with this method as you have it is it isn't doing much of anything. You could develop it though.
back arching safe passage --So the other person travels under the arch of her back? Feels odd
over a bed of green nails,--We get it the grass is green and pointy. The extra references need to bring something new to the poem or they just come across as flat.
while soft green silk ribbons--again with green--mix it up some.
lapped at her toes.--The first real ocean reference from the title.
 
She
lay back down
and the channel was crushed,
dawning sun-faced delight;
sighing sea green horizon.

As a metaphor, it feels a bit choppy. The poem doesn't seem to hold together well. Great promise in the title that didn't feel realized in the poem. I wish I found more that worked for me.

I'm not sure if any of these comments help you. I hope some of them do.

Best,

Todd

[Frankee_thecat]

They sure do help Todd, thank you!

It's amazing how once it's in my head, I can't be a third person.
I try and walk away, then suddenly spin to catch it by surprise.
But the *** thing sits there ready for me, every *** time.
Malevolent eyes following me around the room.

All these opinions are a breath of fresh, hey.

I hope in the end there will be more here that works for you.
At least is was short, right?

For now, my sincere apologies and thanks

[Achebe]

defiant lee lost. -- you may assume this is a clever way to write defiantly.  To any reader tired of twee attempts to arbitrarily change spelling and make puns where none actually exist, this just looks like you've misspelled the meadow lea or for some bizarre reason, her sheltered side has lost its defiance. 
Because there's a kind of nautical thing going on, I'm guessing that's supposed to somehow extend your metaphor but the concept of a "defiant lee" is just not right.

 
I'm glad I scrolled up to read this crit because I've been struggling to understand what a 'lee lost' might mean for hair, other than the loss of protective cover from accelerated hair fall. 
Eve and then, that would be stretching it.

[Frankee_thecat]

Thanks Achebe