Contend You Not

[dukealien]

Contend You Not
(for my daughters)

1. Contend you not then with the untrained mind,
   
2. conspire it will the scalpel to evade,
   
3. it flees on fearful legs its thoughts to blind,
   
4. some semblance of false pride that it may save.
   
5. Contend you not with those too easily hurt,
   
6. anemone are they who thus do live,
   
7. their feelers will recoil when to its work,
   
8. your reply has nothing there to give.
   
9. Contend not with those beyond assail,
   
10. with strong walls thick that let no mote inside,
    
11. you’ve not been asked to their caravel,
    
12. no worth to lean against the gate and bide.
    
13. The coin of proverbs cannot be given or spent,
    
14. on those who desire wisdom only to rent.
    

 
erthona
 
 
©2005, rev 2016

This is a lovely sentiment in what some would find an unlovely sonnet.  From a strict metric point of view, it displays almost every known "sin" against the form from (for moderns) inversion and unnecessary capitailzation to (for pedants) "missing" capitalization, rhyme, and variant feet.

However, it is what it is; I shall try to critique with the sole aim of making it easier and more enjoyable for readers to suss out the sentiment.

L1 - There's a little contre-reverte here (not immediately obvious that it is the other rather than the daughter's mind which is untrained) which would be a shame to lose by clarifying; nevertheless, "then" is metric filler and could profitably be removed - (only) for example, in "Contend you not with any untrained mind."  A dash or colon at the end of the line would also seem more appropriate than the comma.

L2 - Specificity and pointedness (g) could be improved by substituting "your" for "the," giving the daughter(s) ownership of the scalpel.  Some might also find a semicolon works better at the end of the line, or even a period.

L3 - Mixed metaphor:  running doesn't blind.  It closes fast its inner eyes to blind, perhaps?

L4 - This line is more friendly to improvement since it ends in assonance rather than rhyme.  The cliche "some semblance" is a good starting point (for changes) - it causes a confused double-negative anyway (the poor mind wants a semblance of pride - a false semblance would be the real thing, right?)  No rewrite offered here, but a true rhyme of "made" or "stayed" might be possible.

L5 - "(T)oo eas(i)ly" is, of course, awkward, but no exact replacement comes to mind.  "(W)ho cherish," for example, implies a normative judgment.  As with L4, though, there's considerable freedom for a more extensive change to this line since it does not strictly rhyme with L7.

L6 - Strictly speaking, the plural is "anemones."

L7 - A confused line - whose is the work?  The anemones', I guess.  In recasting this, work in harness with L5, perhaps arriving at a true rhyme.

L8 - Starting on a trochee, or just a missing first syllable... which is fine, when it adds something.  If you decide it does not, perhaps "your kind reply" could work (g).  This line would have to be altered to match your solution to the L7 puzzle, anyway.

L9 - Missing syllable, of course, since "you" was omitted from the now-standard lead-in.  If desired, the meter could be regularized by an addition later:  "Contend not with those souls..." for example.

L10 - "strong walls thick" is a necessary inversion since "strong thick walls," with or without comma, is clumsy.  "stout walls, sealed, to let..." comes to mind, but better is surely possible.

L11 - Mixed metaphor (it was a castle, now it's a boat - though caravels do have castles of a sort).  If you don't want to give up the ship, the meter could be regularized (foregoing "ask-ed") with a nautical expression ("you've not been asked aboard their caravel,") but since it's only a near-rhyme anyway, perhaps something more castle-like could be substituted - you've not been asked to join them in their keep?

L12 - The gate can remain if L11 is changed to a (land) castle, but "worth" is awkward - partly because the thought is there and worthy, but substitution difficult.  "Not worth your time to wait, locked out, or bide?"

L13-14 The couplet has some metric problems, but also does not quite make sense as a whole.  Can't give a proverb (so the other owns it) to one who only wants to rent, not own - good.  But spending, while it fits the metaphor of renting, has no place in that transaction.  The only way that works is spending to buy the other that bit of wisdom, but "or" excludes that idea.  A major revision, taking this into account, could read something like, "You waste the gift of proverbs when it's sent/to those who own no wisdom, only rent."  "Coin" could probably be worked in there somehow.

Despite all the above (meant to be "serious" but probably just excessive), it's a fun poem - especially the work involved in translating to prose for understanding.  Hope at least one of the above suggestions is useful (and that this was not a jape, posting a minor or major Elizabethan poet's actual sonnet to let critics make fools of themselves).   Enjoyed it.