Taking Flight [Major Revision-New Title]

[Emz]

I'm mesmerized by the rhythm of it. A mood piece as I experienced it.
Not that I've ever traveled around the globe. Once to Europe in all my
life. But I do know of the slip of time, my own personal jet-lag of 32
hour days gradually looping and looping so that nothing is certain.
...
Some of the details were confusing to me when I read it. Not the
intended disorientation, but a few details that robed me of the
emersion I'd like to experience.

I think the fact that you're going on trips halfway around the globe
needs to be announced right at the first somehow. As it's confusing
to not understand what's happening. (Unless, of course, this is the
intent.)

Maybe the title could quite literally announce it in some way.

1 Maybe not use the "/" break it up. Don't like "lifestyle", too cliché?
or no, maybe just too modern. Would just use simple old "life".
"A life that blurs the day with night... (well, I don't like that, but you
get the idea.)

2 Don't like "watchful" just "I watch"?
3 good
4 Maybe "then" instead of "when"

7 Maybe just "goes" or maybe something specific it follows, not just east.
8 Is "by the end of" necessary?
9-13 good

14 "been" is a bit confusing to me. I know "gone" is boring, maybe some other word?
16 Should "gazes" be gazers"?
18 For many people "down south" seems a much shorter distance,
really not descriptive of the vastness you want to convey.
Sidney is "down south" of Brisbane, for instance. Don't how you'll solve this, but then,
it ain't my poem.

Phases
01     Lifestyle of day/night phases:
02     watchful to the east
03     until our sun sets
04     when I look to the west.
05      
06     The plane to New York
07     follows east.
08     By the end of twenty-two hours,
09     I will have lost nothing,
10     not even a day.
11      
12     When the plane travels
13     west again, I'll wonder where
14     two days have been.
15      
16     A verse for starlight gazes.
17     Stars that I know
18     down south, where I live,
19     will reverse in New York
20     and return again here.
21     A watchful eye
22     to Orion's sky;
23     the only thing I'll recognise.
24      
25     And now,
26     like clockwork,
27     through time-zones I go:
28     I'll follow planes east,
29     and where the planes stop,
30     I'll follow east further
31     and wind back at home.

19 They don't exactly "reverse", more like a mirror image, or well, I guess that's just my
feel for it, now that I think about it "reverse" works, though I do think "mirror" is more
intuitive.
20 We went to New York, but now we're back "here". I wish "here" was a place name,
something that establishes the transition a bit better.
21-23 Confusing "Orion" 's belt looks about the same, the rest of him, I guess yes
if you're familiar that it's a mirror image. "the only thing" is not believable as there
must be more things. Maybe it should be some way of noticing that doesn't specify
"only".

25 ok
26 Maybe "clockwork" is a bit too clichéd

27-30 Well, at the start you go east, then return west.
then here you go east, the go east again
yes, I know both routes are possible. (I do love the east, east one the best.)
but changing them confuses me.

31 Oh, so "wind" goes with "clockwork" ? maybe another linked metaphor would be better.

Hope some of that helps.
Ray

Dear Ray,

I am very appreciative of the time you spent reading this and providing feedback. There are a lot of good points you have raised which require serious looking at (which is why I'm here in the serious workshop, of course ) This is quite a new poem and I haven't written too much in the past couple of years, so it's great to be active in a poetry forum again. I intend on trying to salvage what I was attempting to express, but perhaps a MAJOR rewrite is in order. 

I knew before posting that this wasn't my best work, but it had things I really wanted to work on. For future reference, is this the type of poem that would be better off in a mild critique section, or is it still okay to post in serious as long as the goal is to obtain serious feedback? I'm still getting a feel for this website, although I did want to dive into this section because I was so afraid of the "Advanced" section of my last forum that I just never posted there.

I'll be taking another read through your commentary and have a crack at rewriting. Your feedback is much appreciated.

Thanks!

Emma