12-28-2015, 03:36 PM
Some lovers keep score,
harvesting envy to seed warmth, (I'd lose the comma, the line break already provides the pause)
and passion; something everlasting.
Can we feel it? (I'm caught between whether or not this should be on its own line along with the other two questions; I think it may look and read better without the space)
Some heroes ride down
dark roads in search of meaning,
justice, or just serenity fleeting. (I like this stanza)
Can we find it? (same about space)
Some leaders forfeit faith
and stumble chasing grace,
influence, or lasting legacy.
Can we gain it? (same about space)
We always protect
what we're afraid lose, (perhaps drop this down a line for length balance)
Don't we?
(this space made me think it was your posting signature, maybe close the gap a little bit, but still make clear that it's a second part)
We always lose what we hold dear.
Excrete some pity or hurl empty chant:
life's not fair, we take for granted, this or that.
We are able to accept failure if we loose (lose)
control. Posted note excuses whispering
"Better to fail than (to) not try.
But we try, but we try." (drop down a line)
Better to lie?
We will never truly feel it, find it, or gain it.
The tragedy of commons is the sum of our mistakes.
We tiredly toss away each little piece of meaning
to barter for a better idea of our soul,
but life's meaning is right there
forgotten, in the tragedy
of commons. (Like others, I'm not too sure what the tragedy of commons is)
I really enjoyed this poem, and I hope that you find my feedback useful.
Emma
harvesting envy to seed warmth, (I'd lose the comma, the line break already provides the pause)
and passion; something everlasting.
Can we feel it? (I'm caught between whether or not this should be on its own line along with the other two questions; I think it may look and read better without the space)
Some heroes ride down
dark roads in search of meaning,
justice, or just serenity fleeting. (I like this stanza)
Can we find it? (same about space)
Some leaders forfeit faith
and stumble chasing grace,
influence, or lasting legacy.
Can we gain it? (same about space)
We always protect
what we're afraid lose, (perhaps drop this down a line for length balance)
Don't we?
(this space made me think it was your posting signature, maybe close the gap a little bit, but still make clear that it's a second part)
We always lose what we hold dear.
Excrete some pity or hurl empty chant:
life's not fair, we take for granted, this or that.
We are able to accept failure if we loose (lose)
control. Posted note excuses whispering
"Better to fail than (to) not try.
But we try, but we try." (drop down a line)
Better to lie?
We will never truly feel it, find it, or gain it.
The tragedy of commons is the sum of our mistakes.
We tiredly toss away each little piece of meaning
to barter for a better idea of our soul,
but life's meaning is right there
forgotten, in the tragedy
of commons. (Like others, I'm not too sure what the tragedy of commons is)
I really enjoyed this poem, and I hope that you find my feedback useful.
Emma