12-27-2015, 08:54 PM
(11-06-2015, 04:50 PM)the man with the spoon Wrote: one of my first poems, not to sure how good it actually is, but im looking forward to any critique.
Nightmare
Tonight i'll lie awake in bed, Capital letter for 'I'll'a pillow underneath my head. Too obvious, contributes little
Your body underneath my arm,
to keep you safe from all harm. Meter doesn't flow, adjust no. of syllables.
Your feet are cold, your eyes are closed,
as you sleep you still look posed. Not sure about word choice for 'posed'
Through cotton candy clouds you fly, Not keen on illiteration
in dreams you have, while i just lie, 'in dreams you have...' what?
beside you in my double bed.
I ponder if i'm in your head. Again, must capitalise 'I'm'
you drift away, i think of you,
under sheets the colour blue. Significance of blue?
I finally decide to rest,
but dreams i've never had the best. Capitalisation! Please
I awaken, you're not there,
for every dream there's a nightmare.