Can I Please Love You? REVISION

[ThatsNotFennel]

Not sure how I feel about parts of this revision...I like parts and just don't know about parts. Thanks for the feedback!!

New Title: Stranger, What's Wrong?

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are
my first .
I want to know what is wrong but...
your friend tells me this is normal.

This is not normal. Your use of italics is great, how about we include the "not" here?

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were fine now,
but should I really believe that? Way too wordy. Why not just "I don't believe you"?
You didn't believe me,
but I was lying.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. Line-break after the comma would generate more momentum to match the first "like that."
I know you don't love me. The following two lines should be their own stanza. This is your final draw of power before the ending.
But I love you.

Let me. This should be "Let me?" The question mark conveys the desperation the rest of the piece works hard at.


ORIGINAL
You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

Some really good moments here. I'm not a big fan of the ellipses but I couldn't think of a better alternative so I suppose you should keep them. The power in this piece is that it feels real and it generates force throughout, but please do not end this on a statement. It needs a question after the buildup so that the reader leaves with the desperation the poem speaks to.

Thanks,
ThatsNotFennel