12-01-2015, 03:24 PM
(02-24-2015, 02:57 PM)ABennett Wrote: The palpable, prodigious }
weight of waiting } Starting off so wordy. It comes off as bombastic.
for the moment when Papa }
will gather everyone }
around the tree. } reads clearly but uninspired. not really poetic.
Did you see all the presents?
Packages of blue and white stripes, they're all blue an white? seems generic.
some with ribbon others with bows;
piquing the imagination of brothers
and sisters with what they hold. what about my imagination that has yet to be roused
Surely one has to be that toy dump truck,
the yellow one with the big black wheels
and an orange bed for hauling rocks. liking the relateable but keen wording here.
The whirl of thoughts nearly overshadows
the fact that Papa is now standing by the tree. ambiguious. What does it mean?
I feel like this poem doesn't really create the moment or experience and sort of just tells about it in a less then effective way. More like letter writing than poetry.