11-30-2015, 06:37 PM
(06-10-2015, 11:38 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: Not sure how I feel about parts of this revision...I like parts and just don't know about parts. Thanks for the feedback!!
New Title: Stranger, What's Wrong?
You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are
my first .
I want to know what is wrong but...
your friend tells me this is normal.
This is not normal.
You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were fine now, A little confused about the tense here, you said you were fine (past tense) now (present tense)
but should I really believe that?
You didn't believe me,
but I was lying. Not sure what you're referring to here, this line seems sort of out of place
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. I love the use of italics here, very effective
I know you don't love me.
But I love you.
Let me.
This piece really illustrates the anxiety that can result from not having closure. And with the implied youth (drunk in class) it seems so full of longing and desperation. Especially the ending, I really love how you ended it.
The piece really works with its brevity, but I'd love examples of how the lover's behavior contrasts with how they were before the rift formed between them. How do you know whats normal for them? What is it that you're longing for? I'm always full of questions, but as I said in regards to length, many pieces are better left to suggest questions rather than revealing all.
