11-28-2015, 11:50 PM
I actually liked the imagery, as it all kind of ties itself back together when taken as a whole.
I myself particularly liked the coyotes sniffing clay.
On this line which I see you edited from To
I see we are some dead river, the bed without water, I see we are some dead river, bed without water,
Which I totally agree is a good change. However, it still interrupts the flow, the "bed without water" phrase feels like a participle phrase which doesn't really belong there. However, should you consider dropping the comma ... it's still weird, so I would consider dropping both the word bed and the comma, making "I see we are some dead river without water" which then implies a river bed to bring up the dead clay.
And I can't apparently get the fonts to work. Sorry about that.
Last thought: would using the word "grainy" mess it up too much?
I myself particularly liked the coyotes sniffing clay.
On this line which I see you edited from To
I see we are some dead river, the bed without water, I see we are some dead river, bed without water,
Which I totally agree is a good change. However, it still interrupts the flow, the "bed without water" phrase feels like a participle phrase which doesn't really belong there. However, should you consider dropping the comma ... it's still weird, so I would consider dropping both the word bed and the comma, making "I see we are some dead river without water" which then implies a river bed to bring up the dead clay.
And I can't apparently get the fonts to work. Sorry about that.
Last thought: would using the word "grainy" mess it up too much?