11-28-2015, 12:26 AM
This a quite a difficult poem to try to write with powerful feelings, and it takes courage to send it out.
Some thoughts that might help. First, it reads almost like prose and not so much poetry. I would consider breaking it up some by eliminating some phrases that aren't totally necessary to express what you are after. Showing the scene as you are doing works well. However, when you then use a statement like "I am irritated by my own stupidity", that could be changed to something more expressive or eliminated for the reader to figure out.
Could you send an edited version with some of the changes people have expressed?
Also, if you haven't read "My Papa's Waltz" by Theodore Roethke, do so. It's similar and has good examples of how to say something without "saying it".
Some thoughts that might help. First, it reads almost like prose and not so much poetry. I would consider breaking it up some by eliminating some phrases that aren't totally necessary to express what you are after. Showing the scene as you are doing works well. However, when you then use a statement like "I am irritated by my own stupidity", that could be changed to something more expressive or eliminated for the reader to figure out.
Could you send an edited version with some of the changes people have expressed?
Also, if you haven't read "My Papa's Waltz" by Theodore Roethke, do so. It's similar and has good examples of how to say something without "saying it".