Dad's Angry at Me
With that stern looks of his face
and those hints of rabid anger in his speech
he’s coming to me.
In his hand
he holds that brown sandal.
With an intimidating posture
and his reddened cheeks
I can tell he is angry
and not in control of himself.
He grabs me
and puts me face down on his knee.
My heartbeat races
There is no escape.
I am powerless.
I left my shoes in the middle of the floor again.
I am the most incompetent,
patetic,
scatterbrained,
3rd grader in the world.
I am a failure.
I can’t do anything right.
With full confidence in a steady stern voice, he says
“You will thank me when you get older”
Whack-
Whack-
Whack-
Face down on my knees,
Tears cover my face.
My nose runs profusely;
I am not in control of myself.
I am irritated by my own stupidity.
He walks away, with no remorse in his eyes
I continue crying.
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Bluntness commentary encouraged
-Clay
(10-04-2015, 07:55 AM)elviaje26 Wrote: [ -> ]Dad's Angry at Me
With that stern looks of his face Not sure if this line has typos or it's meant to read from the perspective of a 3rd grader. If it's the latter I'd avoid using vocabulary like "rabid" as its confusing the context.
and those hints of rabid anger in his speech
he’s coming to me.
In his hand
he holds that brown sandal.
With an intimidating posture
and his reddened cheeks
I can tell he is angry We've already established the father is angry, maybe remove/edit this line
and not in control of himself.
He grabs me
and puts me face down on his knee. I'm trying to envision this image but it's proven to be quite difficult. Perhaps a rewording here.
My heartbeat races .
There is no escape.
I am powerless.
I left my shoes in the middle of the floor again.
I am the most incompetent,
patetic, pathetic
scatterbrained,
3rd grader in the world. I may be wrong here but you may have to spell out third here.
I am a failure.
I can’t do anything right.
With full confidence in a steady stern voice, he says
“You will thank me when you get older”
Whack- The hyphens come off a bit weak here. Perhaps an ! would bring more to the onomatopoeia here.
Whack-
Whack-
Face down on my knees, If this is the image you intended to convey in L11 it makes a lot more sense here. You may also not need this line as Its already been provided in the line above (if this is indeed the same image)
Tears cover my face.
My nose runs profusely;
I am not in control of myself.
I am irritated by my own stupidity.
He walks away, with no remorse in his eyes .
I continue crying. This ending doesn't do much for me.. To be blunt, I simply don't care, I feel no connection to the narrator (even though I've been in the same shoes) there's no point to be drawn from this, other than getting spanked sucks. I think the imagery, plot, and realism in this poem could have meaning if a better point was drawn around it. It maybe lost in me, but maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself what do I really want to convey here? If this is a self-pity poem there's really not much to it in terms of power and effect. But with a couple edits here and there, I believe you can turn this into something deep, and meaningful. Thanks for the poem, it definitely brought back memories that's forsure! 
----------------------
Bluntness commentary encouraged
-Clay
A route that writers often take when describing abuse (if that's what you want to call it) is discussing their weakness/helplessness in their situation. Or you could discuss the impact this has made in your adult life (if you are an adult) in how you manage your rage as opposed to your father's methods. Or you could talk about why we tend to inflict pain on those we love (or why we get hurt from those we thought we loved). There are many potent metaphors you can use to encapsulate the grander idea you would like to portray. At the moment, your piece needs that purpose to elevate it. Good luck!
I think this poem is OK but rough around the edges. I disagree that you have to go full on cliche and talk about helplessness so concretely, you know what is going on and get that from the poem already.
I would ditch the last line, the line before has more impact. I also don't care for the whack whack whack.. It comes off as cartoonish.
(10-05-2015, 07:36 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: [ -> ]I think this poem is OK but rough around the edges. I disagree that you have to go full on cliche and talk about helplessness so concretely, you know what is going on and get that from the poem already.
I would ditch the last line, the line before has more impact. I also don't care for the whack whack whack.. It comes off as cartoonish.
I definitely will ditch the last line.
I think that the poem has potential to be really powerful, however at this point it does not create a complete image, nor does it evoke all of the emotion that it could. I agree that the last line is a bit weak and that the second to last line is much stronger. I would also replace the whacks with something more powerful, however I do understand that the simplicity might come from the fact that it is written in the perspective of a third grader. Also the line "my heartbeat races" might sound better if you say "my heart races" or "my heart pounds".
This a quite a difficult poem to try to write with powerful feelings, and it takes courage to send it out.
Some thoughts that might help. First, it reads almost like prose and not so much poetry. I would consider breaking it up some by eliminating some phrases that aren't totally necessary to express what you are after. Showing the scene as you are doing works well. However, when you then use a statement like "I am irritated by my own stupidity", that could be changed to something more expressive or eliminated for the reader to figure out.
Could you send an edited version with some of the changes people have expressed?
Also, if you haven't read "My Papa's Waltz" by Theodore Roethke, do so. It's similar and has good examples of how to say something without "saying it".