Genetic Faith Edit 2 Leanne, ronsaik

[tectak]

Edit 2

Genetic Faith

Hot blood in hearts
spouts faith and fury;
war in an over-spill, over-kill land.
Where children lose childhood
and all games are real so
let’s play Seek-the-Bullet. The prize
will be virgins; paradise calls you
with faith the blind guide. Last lines point to Islam. The "you" is assumed to be those damn extremists. Something prosaic about all this, though.

Burka your sisters, blank and bewailing,
Sharia shading the shame of tear-fall.
Once others cried, they  carried
their godhead, masked in steel armour
to bring you His word.
No wisp of His smoke
is left in your Kingdom;
yet still you see fire. So the Christians come in, though I get how the Trinity's introduction could be confused for a bit of a theological blunder. There's got to be a better way of pouring it in.

Hear now the thunder, history rumbling,
send out your young  into far western lands.
Tell them defeat is glory and honour;
infect what you can, though the body
may die in  this pyrrhic paradox. ....So the medical metaphor comes. But this time, the Islamic extermists are the ones infecting, even though the story started with them having settled, and the Christians being the ones invading? That doesn't sound right. Or they're the ones infecting the lands of the Christians, right after the Christians destroyed their lands....which somehow feels more offensive than it should. Also, this sudden move west doesn't feel like a movement at all, so, as with the first supposition, it's very easy to confuse the body here for the earlier land rather than the latter -- I'm starting to think the first two stanzas are practically expendable.
A wrong diagnosis, the cells are not cancer,
but strangely a virus
in infidel’s blood.  See? More confusion here, especially for your usually western reader. The first thing that came into my mind was their religion being the virus, which I am now sure is not what you tried to say, at first.

The plan was metastasise, move and manoeuvre, This feels so much like a confused metaphor, though I know I should know better; metastasizing is commonly associated with cancer, not with viruses. 
replicate, duplicate, kill from within. And now we're back to viruses. You should have just started with this instead, for this stanza.
Cruel Cytotoxins  poisoned the host
and poisoned the agents…no quick cure, this.
But from a mixed gene pool, immunity rises;
from competing gods and from faction faith.
Genetic traits must slowly fade
completely away. This doesn't feel right. Here, the earlier medical metaphor is swapped for a grander evolutionary one: but I thought the virus infected but one body, one infidel, those "far western lands"? The transition should be clarified.

But once all the children have killed to god’s quota
and mothers have gathered up cells of their sons,
and the red rain stops falling from haemophile heaven,
and hate, and fear and fraught fairy-tales
will no longer pass from parents  to children;
then all will stand up to witness the death throes,
not of mankind, but of
genetic faith. I think the mixing of metaphors here in this too-free voice makes this little series of lines very prosaic. The return to the extremism here also feels ironic, with "have killed to god's quota": I get that that means they've stopped killing, but that very strongly implies that they have to kill, first. And the ultimate message feels wrong: if the speaker finds the most appalling part of this whole mess to have been the violence, why imply that the violence's ultimate end (that is, the death of all opposing parties) is the answer? The virus ultimately can't change the whole developed body, and the implication that natural selection is somehow involved in this is....Although now I think the insomnia is getting to me.

tectak

I will divulge a little info in due course. I don't like the way this one is evolving...watch this space.
Best and thanks. No arguments.
tectak