11-20-2015, 05:26 PM
(11-20-2015, 12:25 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Veteran Visitation Rights
Very well the sea has cleaned
the hundred shapes of soles
from the exploded beaches, ................... the surf's explosion, and the guns'...great, fresh image.
leaving clean the commonplaces.
Pretend not to hear
the spitting rounds of the patrols; .......... 'spitting rounds' - stale.
the half-forgotten faces ................... an overused expression, though it does lead on to 'dim reminders' later on.'
who slithered, slobbering in the holes............stale. 'slithered, slobbering' is trying too hard. A single adjective should suffice, less being more.
Dim reminders of tedious years. .... what are the dim reminders here? The half forgotten faces? Can a memory be a reminder? Doesn't work for me.
Along this cape, a ten watt bulb is best
in sand flea, furnished flop rooms.
Old mistakes don’t look real now. ......... cryptic.
The lean bone wants real rest-
not half.
Best watch out bone,
the sea hears real damn well. .... beautiful.
...mb
I very rarely post notes with a poem, but.... the words in my poem are exactly the same as those in another poem, but the words in each are arranged very differently. I hope to find that poem among my papers so that I can share it: it's astonishing that the exact same words can result in two completely different pieces.