11-20-2015, 04:40 PM
the 1st two stanza read well enough but the 2nd two felt like they needed some work meter wise. the last stanza lost me, is it a piece of bone in the sand? the poem start out on a good footing and by the third stanza goes a bit wobbly bob.
(11-20-2015, 12:25 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Veteran Visitation Rights
Very well the sea has cleaned
the hundred shapes of soles
from the exploded beaches,
leaving clean the commonplaces. i like this opening stanza, and think the soles line is excellent in that it makes the reader do a double take
Pretend not to hear my brain feels like this line needs to be a foot longer
the spitting rounds of the patrols;
the half-forgotten faces
who slithered, slobbering in the holes. again it reads well even though the meter isn't exactly the same as above. nice s's
Dim reminders of tedious years. this feels dissonant, to much so.
Along this cape, a ten watt bulb is best and i think this is one of the reasons why, the meter seems to be at war
in sand flea, furnished flop rooms.
Old mistakes don’t look real now. again this line feels clunky
The lean bone wants real rest-
not half.
Best watch out bone,
the sea hears real damn well.
...mb
I very rarely post notes with a poem, but.... the words in my poem are exactly the same as those in another poem, but the words in each are arranged very differently. I hope to find that poem among my papers so that I can share it: it's astonishing that the exact same words can result in two completely different pieces.