11-10-2015, 11:33 PM
Five deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
[Branch-limbed, bark-haired has great internal rhythm, nicely predicated by 'five deer walk.' - just sounds nice!]
Through a dull but brightening morning
[Again you have a strong sense of internal rhythm, the 'ing' of brightening and the 'ing' of morning go well together. To increase this perhaps you could remove the 'a' altogether.]
And pine forest, sprites of which they are,
On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
As if an artist had applied its color
Straight from the tube.
[This is great, although denoting it as 'suspicious' and then instantly offering an hypothesis addled my mind a little.]
Each follows each, loosely single-file,
Always downslope.
The ancients had it wrong:
See, these are sobered Fauns,
But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
As we are Minotaurs
Cursed with the heads of men.
[I can't fault this last section: I think the changes you have already made are excellent. Really love the last two lines.]
[Branch-limbed, bark-haired has great internal rhythm, nicely predicated by 'five deer walk.' - just sounds nice!]
Through a dull but brightening morning
[Again you have a strong sense of internal rhythm, the 'ing' of brightening and the 'ing' of morning go well together. To increase this perhaps you could remove the 'a' altogether.]
And pine forest, sprites of which they are,
On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
As if an artist had applied its color
Straight from the tube.
[This is great, although denoting it as 'suspicious' and then instantly offering an hypothesis addled my mind a little.]
Each follows each, loosely single-file,
Always downslope.
The ancients had it wrong:
See, these are sobered Fauns,
But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
As we are Minotaurs
Cursed with the heads of men.
[I can't fault this last section: I think the changes you have already made are excellent. Really love the last two lines.]