11-09-2015, 09:30 AM
2nd Edit
Re-cursed
Five deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
Through a dull but brightening morning
And pine forest, sprites of which they are,
On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
As if an artist had applied its color
Straight from the tube.
Each follows each, loosely single-file,
Always downslope.
The ancients had it wrong:
See, these are sobered Fauns,
But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
As we are Minotaurs
Cursed with the heads of men.
1st Edit
Five deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
Through a dull but brightening morning,
And pine forest, sprites of which they are,
On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
As if an artist had applied its color,
Straight from the tube.
Each follows each, loosely, single-file,
Always downslope.
The ancients had it wrong:
See, these are sobered Fauns,
But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
As we are Minotaurs
Cursed with the heads of men.
Original version;
Recursed
Deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
(Antlerless for now)
Through a dim but brightening morning,
(And a forest, life of which they are)
On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
As if the artist had applied its color
Straight from the tube;
Each follows each, loosely single-file,
Always downslope.
The ancients had it wrong:
See, these are fauns, indeed,
But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
As we are minotaurs
Cursed with the heads of men.
Thanks for the reference on how to post revisions, and your welcome critique on punctuation (which undoes, or seems to conflict with, rayheinrich's on that subject). I've partially reverted them while retaining the other improvements. Free verse: so many added opportunities to foul up improve compared to forms!
Re-cursed
Five deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
Through a dull but brightening morning
And pine forest, sprites of which they are,
On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
As if an artist had applied its color
Straight from the tube.
Each follows each, loosely single-file,
Always downslope.
The ancients had it wrong:
See, these are sobered Fauns,
But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
As we are Minotaurs
Cursed with the heads of men.
1st Edit
Five deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
Through a dull but brightening morning,
And pine forest, sprites of which they are,
On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
As if an artist had applied its color,
Straight from the tube.
Each follows each, loosely, single-file,
Always downslope.
The ancients had it wrong:
See, these are sobered Fauns,
But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
As we are Minotaurs
Cursed with the heads of men.
Original version;
Recursed
Deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
(Antlerless for now)
Through a dim but brightening morning,
(And a forest, life of which they are)
On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
As if the artist had applied its color
Straight from the tube;
Each follows each, loosely single-file,
Always downslope.
The ancients had it wrong:
See, these are fauns, indeed,
But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
As we are minotaurs
Cursed with the heads of men.
Thanks for the reference on how to post revisions, and your welcome critique on punctuation (which undoes, or seems to conflict with, rayheinrich's on that subject). I've partially reverted them while retaining the other improvements. Free verse: so many added opportunities to foul up improve compared to forms!
Quote:Hi, Duke, welcome to the site. Here's the link for the suggested way to post an edit, it avoids the confusion when someone new comes to the thread and crits the original instead of the edit.
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/announcement-25.html
For me I think you can cut some commas: at the end of L1, L2, L4, L5, L10, maybe after loosely. The breaks create a short pause on their own and amplifying that makes the read choppier than it needs to be for me.
Just something for you to consider, I hope you enjoy the site.
Non-practicing atheist