Recursed

[dukealien]

Re-cursed


Five deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
Through a dull but brightening morning,
And pine forest, sprites of which they are,
On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
As if an artist had applied its color,
Straight from the tube.
Each follows each, loosely, single-file,
Always downslope.

The ancients had it wrong:
See, these are sobered Fauns,
But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
As we are Minotaurs
Cursed with the heads of men.

---

Thank you very much for the fine critique.  I'm feeling my way with free verse, sometimes subjecting it to too much formalism (line-start capitalization), sometimes too little (punctuation, where enjambment isn't carrying the whole load).  The above reflects your recommendations, with a little fresh inspiration where suggested.  (And no longer fourteen lines - escape from the sonnet!   )

I'm wondering if a comma is needed after Minotaurs, as after color?  I think of both as continued on the next line, but then there should be no line break.   Curse you, forced choices of free verse!

And you're right, of course, about capitalizing names of semi-divine creatures collectively:  I wouldn't dare fail to capitalize Fates or Furies!

Glad you liked it.  It's a better poem now, though it departs slightly from my stream of consciousness watching those deer through the window.  A lesson there.  (Also, to make one last punctuation check before posting - like checking the brake lights before taking the car out for inspection.)

Recursed

01     Deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
02     (Antlerless for now)
03     Through a dim but brightening morning,
04     (And a forest, life of which they are)
05     On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
06     As if the artist had applied its color
07     Straight from the tube;
08     Each follows each, loosely single-file,
09     Always downslope.
10    
11     The ancients had it wrong:
12     See, these are fauns, indeed,
13     But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
14     As we are minotaurs
15     Cursed with the heads of men.

I like this poem, especially its atmosphere: the tactile feel of the forest.

Title: Maybe "Re-cursed" ?

1 "Deer walk" is aesthetically pleasing, but a bit confusing.
"The deer walk" would probably be better.

2 Not sure about "antlerless".
How about "without antlers for now" or just eliminate this line?

3 Don't like "dim", it has too many negative connotations .
"At first light", or something similar, would be better.
"." after "morning".

4 Needs rephrasing, a different way of saying how connected they are,
how much a part of the forest they are.

6 That "the" should be an "an".  Needs a comma after "color"

7 Needs a ".", not a ";" after "tube".  

8 "," after loosely

12-13 While I love this "return to form", fauns were as horny as goats and
not exactly deer-in-the-woods -- what personality would a half-deer, half-goat have?
Would their babies be called "fawn-fauns" ?

14-15 Ha, yes, DO love the "un-juxtaposition" of this creature.
And the idea that even Minotaurs would feel cursed if they
had man-heads. Puts us pretty low. Nice irony.

I'd like to note that, given the content of this poem, I think capitalizing the first letter of
every line is aesthetically pleasing and entirely appropriate.

But, if you're going to use capitals and punctuation, then "Minotaur" and "Faun"
are usually capitalized as well.

And, being a code-writer, I can't help but think of recursion, recursive functions, the
depth of gods and humans, and bacteria, and atoms, and a universe or two.