11-08-2015, 08:49 AM
Recursed
01 Deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
02 (Antlerless for now)
03 Through a dim but brightening morning,
04 (And a forest, life of which they are)
05 On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
06 As if the artist had applied its color
07 Straight from the tube;
08 Each follows each, loosely single-file,
09 Always downslope.
10
11 The ancients had it wrong:
12 See, these are fauns, indeed,
13 But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
14 As we are minotaurs
15 Cursed with the heads of men.
I like this poem, especially its atmosphere: the tactile feel of the forest.
Title: Maybe "Re-cursed" ?
1 "Deer walk" is aesthetically pleasing, but a bit confusing.
"The deer walk" would probably be better.
2 Not sure about "antlerless".
How about "without antlers for now" or just eliminate this line?
3 Don't like "dim", it has too many negative connotations .
"At first light", or something similar, would be better.
"." after "morning".
4 Needs rephrasing, a different way of saying how connected they are,
how much a part of the forest they are.
6 That "the" should be an "an". Needs a comma after "color"
7 Needs a ".", not a ";" after "tube".
8 "," after loosely
12-13 While I love this "return to form", fauns were as horny as goats and
not exactly deer-in-the-woods -- what personality would a half-deer, half-goat have?
Would their babies be called "fawn-fauns" ?
14-15 Ha, yes, DO love the "un-juxtaposition" of this creature.
And the idea that even Minotaurs would feel cursed if they
had man-heads. Puts us pretty low. Nice irony.
I'd like to note that, given the content of this poem, I think capitalizing the first letter of
every line is aesthetically pleasing and entirely appropriate.
But, if you're going to use capitals and punctuation, then "Minotaur" and "Faun"
are usually capitalized as well.
And, being a code-writer, I can't help but think of recursion, recursive functions, the
depth of gods and humans, and bacteria, and atoms, and a universe or two.
01 Deer walk, branch-limbed, bark-haired,
02 (Antlerless for now)
03 Through a dim but brightening morning,
04 (And a forest, life of which they are)
05 On mossy grass, suspiciously bright green,
06 As if the artist had applied its color
07 Straight from the tube;
08 Each follows each, loosely single-file,
09 Always downslope.
10
11 The ancients had it wrong:
12 See, these are fauns, indeed,
13 But with the fore-parts of shy animals,
14 As we are minotaurs
15 Cursed with the heads of men.
I like this poem, especially its atmosphere: the tactile feel of the forest.
Title: Maybe "Re-cursed" ?
1 "Deer walk" is aesthetically pleasing, but a bit confusing.
"The deer walk" would probably be better.
2 Not sure about "antlerless".
How about "without antlers for now" or just eliminate this line?
3 Don't like "dim", it has too many negative connotations .
"At first light", or something similar, would be better.
"." after "morning".
4 Needs rephrasing, a different way of saying how connected they are,
how much a part of the forest they are.
6 That "the" should be an "an". Needs a comma after "color"
7 Needs a ".", not a ";" after "tube".
8 "," after loosely
12-13 While I love this "return to form", fauns were as horny as goats and
not exactly deer-in-the-woods -- what personality would a half-deer, half-goat have?
Would their babies be called "fawn-fauns" ?
14-15 Ha, yes, DO love the "un-juxtaposition" of this creature.
And the idea that even Minotaurs would feel cursed if they
had man-heads. Puts us pretty low. Nice irony.
I'd like to note that, given the content of this poem, I think capitalizing the first letter of
every line is aesthetically pleasing and entirely appropriate.
But, if you're going to use capitals and punctuation, then "Minotaur" and "Faun"
are usually capitalized as well.
And, being a code-writer, I can't help but think of recursion, recursive functions, the
depth of gods and humans, and bacteria, and atoms, and a universe or two.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions