Nightmare

[tectak]

one of my first poems, not to sure how good it actually is, but im looking forward to any critique.
This is in Serious so should be near perfect. Basic errors are not acceptable so proof read your work. Do  not excuse yourself with "this is my first..." or "i know it's not good" etc. Write right...right?
Nightmare
tonight ill lie awake in bed, Begin with punctuation and continue with it. Punctuation is a tool. Capital letter to start. I'll. How hard is it?
a pillow underneath my head Lame line. Really, what worth is this except to create a rhyme? Let me see. What rhymes with bed? Er...A....B....C... D hmm. dead? Maybe...E...F...fed...ged....head! Yippeee! Pillow underneath my head in bed. Sheesh. 
your body underneath my arm, 
to keep you safe from all harm.  Fascile observation culminating in a cliche. This is symptomatic now. Read this couplet and scan. Even your basic syllable count is threatened by your rhyme-rush. 8,8,8,7.
your feet are cold, your eyes are closed, Are you unable to capitalise on your device? Your. I ask because you end a sentence (or should) on "posed" but do not begin next line with a capital. As this is very simplistic stuff using forced rhymes to no good effect I am wondering if this is really IS your first poem, read or written. Enough sarcasm. Advice. Avoid the "as" word because it implies relevant concurrency. Why is she ONLY "posed" (?) WHEN sleeping yet by doubling up with "still" you imply she is always "posed". By the way, you mean "composed"...I hope.  

Your feet are cold, your eyes are closed;
asleep, my love, yet still composed. Your poem

as you sleep you still look posed.
through cotton candy clouds you fly, Massive nursery cliche. Cotton candy clouds? Euuukkkkk!
in dreams you have, while i just lie,
beside you in my double bed.  You choose this basic rhyme scheme AABBCC...if you must stick to it do try to be a little more pensive. Put some thought in to creating a couplet which rhymes in such a clever way that it is not noticed.As it is, the predicability is becoming monotonous. You have to work on rhymes. This piece should be good practice as you need so many.In fact, I note you have exhausted the universe (good word) and are back to bed-head. You must up your game if you want to become happy in this medium. I can imagine your horror when you found yourself trapped by the bed...again.
i ponder if i'm in your head.
you drift away, i think of you, She is asleep...you told me so way back. Is this a metaphor or Silver Cord stuff?
under sheets the colour blue. You are now taking the piss. An inverted you-blue?
i finally decide to rest,
but dreams i've never had the best. ...and a great rush of gobbledygook, sparse punctuation, disconnects, inversions, shaky word use, meter like logs falling downstairs, hasty inconclusive conclusions...ah, thank god...the finish line.
i awaken, you're not there,
for every dream theres a nightmare. Oh for Pete's sake....there's!

Hello,
Harsh? Maybe...but it is not often a "first" poem manages to demonstrate this many problems. That is not bad news. It took me years to write poetry this bad because no one told me it was so. So...pick up your crest an get stuck in to it. If rhyming is just too time-consuming forget it for a while. Meter is important but not at this early stage as important as metaphor, imagery, intent and purposeful method. Know where you are going at every stage...it is easier that way because it becomes habitual. You will not need to think about it...may the Muse be with you....all the way to the end, hopefully.
Best,
tectak
Crit more of others work and you will see your own problems reflected. That is the sheer beauty of this site.