Genetic Faith Edit 2 Leanne, ronsaik

[the man with the spoon]

this post was allowed in order to leave a message for everyone,
if you can't give substantive feedback in the serious forum, please stick to mild or/and novice./mod

Hot blood in hearts breeds faith in fury;
war in an over-spill, over-kill land.
No young men live for childhood here,
but for the fire that burns them back
into the wombs of virgins.

Their sisters, dark beneath the cloth,
make wails yet praise their brother's deaths;
tears fall in shame into Shariah shade.
Come to this place and meet the godhead,
smell His smoke and see His flame.                                ----------word order? maybe change the two: see his flame and smell his smoke, sight preludes smell.

Hear the crack and quake of triumph,
but know that only death can save.
Defeat is glory to the fallen; to win, a pyrrhic paradox.       --------- the word pyrrhic is already a paradox essentially , idk if that is the point or not, if it is im sorry.
The cancer cells are in the lymph                                     ------since you start talking about a new subject here, maybe start a new verse
and in the blood of infidels.                                             ------- im kind of confused here, why is the blood in infidels? who/what are you talking about?

The strategy is wisely chosen...                                              
metastasise, kill from within.
There is no cure, there is no answer.
Cytotoxins kill the body;
belief will loose genetic hold.

All the boys have killed their quota,
mothers have gathered  cells of sons,
raining down from the prophet's hands.
This is the end...the dying writhing.
Not of mankind, but of blind faith. Praise be.

tectak
2015

The poem is titled genetics however, you only start talking about anything genetic in the last 1/3 of the poem. maybe have undertones of genetics or biology (like you incorporated at the end) throughout the poem so readers aren't confused when they come to it near the end? amazing poem i love the science and biology you mixed in, as i myself am a biology student i found it very interesting. you kept the science simple enough that an everyday reader could understand, but mixed in enough of it that it is very intriguing to someone with advance knowledge in the subject.