11-06-2015, 12:48 PM
Hi Hannah!
Your poem was very touching in the beginning and I love how you were able to grasp my attention from the very first stanza. It seems that we've all been there. You lost me for a second here:
It makes the fall leaves fall harder.
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down.
In my head, "Like the world's collapsing" sound a little better.
Even has a chance
To make me crunch.
This last part was beautiful. In fact, it may be nice to end on it. Just my two cents! Hope it helps!
Your poem was very touching in the beginning and I love how you were able to grasp my attention from the very first stanza. It seems that we've all been there. You lost me for a second here:
It makes the fall leaves fall harder.
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down.
In my head, "Like the world's collapsing" sound a little better.
Even has a chance
To make me crunch.
This last part was beautiful. In fact, it may be nice to end on it. Just my two cents! Hope it helps!