10-29-2015, 09:05 AM
Hello and welcome to the pigpen. For me, this mostly did not work. The sentence structures were too often poor and/or awkward and the punctuation was sporadic and unhelpful. The worst of it, for me though, was all of the cliches. I tend to enjoy fresh, original language and cliches can be real poem killers.
So, first stanza and there are some people sitting around a glowing cherry pit. They are chewing on hemlines of something, but that part is never revealed. i would mention the linebreaks throughout here, but just by mentioning them, i will feel obligated to mention others and, frankly, it would be a monumental task to fix all of them and probably not worth the effort for the poem at this point. Sentences like," It's loud my heart Beat in my chest of drawers you'll Find a photo Left Behind is how I felt the cold at my side." just don't make any sense at all.
When you stood up I looked to the stars in that void.
This line here is pretty good, possibly the sole redeeming feature in the whole mess.
A menacing thought train.
menacing thought - cliche - thought train - cliche - put them together and you just have nonsensical cliche
One long chain of words to convey the spin of mind
when you are and aren't at my side.
sappy, ill-constructed, nonsense. Put it in a country song after you clean it up.
You leave a void there...left a void there.
And it's cold and icy and makes me miss home.
Miss you, the home in you.
so, I would avoid putting strings of dots in poems. It is a sure sign of hackneyed things to come.
"leave a void, left a void, etc." = pop song cliche nonsense.
cold AND icy - even if we weren't in laughably hyperbolic pop song territory we would be in laughable tautologous pop-song territory.
That stain on the curtains of your hearth...and heart.
ugh, again with the strings of dots. curtains of your hearth(?!), hearth and heart - cliche
It's like a water mark that lifts the fibers of the wooden
table your mother was so protective of.
I fit in there, well I did. I used to fit in there.
there = somewhere in your mind that you never bothered sharing with the reader.
Warm and happy in the evening light, basked in conversation.
"warm and happy" - laughing and out loud
"basked in conversation" might be somewhat salvageable in a different poem.
But you stood up to go find drinks at another party,
drinks at another party with other parties.
Left me here with this swirling void to the left of me.
Attempting to absorb what's left of me.
Most would find it pathetic...but I miss you. I miss missing you.
When you stand up to go find drinks.
(Alex Brand [also Love Apollon] 2015)
and, of course there is another string of dots to remind us that this is mostly a pile of hackneyed, poorly constructed sound bites taken from cliches and love songs.
i can't think of much positive to say about it.
Good luck.
Thanks for posting.
(10-28-2015, 11:44 AM)love apollon Wrote: We sat around a glowing pit
Spit out from cherries
We chewed on the hemlines of
Each story told you not to leave me
Hear that sound? It's loud my heart
Beat in my chest of drawers you'll
Find a photo Left
Behind is how I felt the cold at my side.
So, first stanza and there are some people sitting around a glowing cherry pit. They are chewing on hemlines of something, but that part is never revealed. i would mention the linebreaks throughout here, but just by mentioning them, i will feel obligated to mention others and, frankly, it would be a monumental task to fix all of them and probably not worth the effort for the poem at this point. Sentences like," It's loud my heart Beat in my chest of drawers you'll Find a photo Left Behind is how I felt the cold at my side." just don't make any sense at all.
Quote:
When you stood up I looked to the stars in that void.
This line here is pretty good, possibly the sole redeeming feature in the whole mess.
Quote:
A menacing thought train.
menacing thought - cliche - thought train - cliche - put them together and you just have nonsensical cliche
Quote:
One long chain of words to convey the spin of mind
when you are and aren't at my side.
sappy, ill-constructed, nonsense. Put it in a country song after you clean it up.
Quote:
You leave a void there...left a void there.
And it's cold and icy and makes me miss home.
Miss you, the home in you.
so, I would avoid putting strings of dots in poems. It is a sure sign of hackneyed things to come.
"leave a void, left a void, etc." = pop song cliche nonsense.
cold AND icy - even if we weren't in laughably hyperbolic pop song territory we would be in laughable tautologous pop-song territory.
Quote:
That stain on the curtains of your hearth...and heart.
ugh, again with the strings of dots. curtains of your hearth(?!), hearth and heart - cliche
Quote:
It's like a water mark that lifts the fibers of the wooden
table your mother was so protective of.
I fit in there, well I did. I used to fit in there.
there = somewhere in your mind that you never bothered sharing with the reader.
Quote:
Warm and happy in the evening light, basked in conversation.
"warm and happy" - laughing and out loud
"basked in conversation" might be somewhat salvageable in a different poem.
Quote:
But you stood up to go find drinks at another party,
drinks at another party with other parties.
Left me here with this swirling void to the left of me.
Attempting to absorb what's left of me.
Most would find it pathetic...but I miss you. I miss missing you.
When you stand up to go find drinks.
(Alex Brand [also Love Apollon] 2015)
and, of course there is another string of dots to remind us that this is mostly a pile of hackneyed, poorly constructed sound bites taken from cliches and love songs.
i can't think of much positive to say about it.
Good luck.
Thanks for posting.