Posts: 37
Threads: 8
Joined: Dec 2014
Hey everyone,
This poem isn't intended to be complete, as I wanted to add several more verses to fully describe the story (hopefully the main points will be obvious from what I post so far).
THAT SOMBROUS SONG
He whispers softly of his loves
which, long-lost, languish on,
the highest notes too faint to hear
within that sombrous song.
The ringing tones of Christmas bells
will cheer the victors on,
in hopes that they can finally
repel that sombrous song.
He swings the hammer with his arm
to keep the ringing on,
but with the force he broke the bell
and stopped the vict'ry song.
The world, he knows, will never sleep,
but always carries on,
and seems it always finds the time
to sing that sombrous song.
-BW BRINE
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(10-19-2015, 11:16 PM)BW BRINE Wrote: Hey everyone,
This poem isn't intended to be complete, as I wanted to add several more verses to fully describe the story (hopefully the main points will be obvious from what I post so far).
THAT SOMBROUS SONG
He whispers softly of his loves
which, long-lost, languish on,
the highest notes too faint to hear
within that sombrous song.
The ringing tones of Christmas bells
will cheer the victors on,
in hopes that they can finally
repel that sombrous song.
He swings the hammer with his arm
to keep the ringing on,
but with the force he broke the bell
and stopped the vict'ry song.
The world, he knows, will never sleep,
but always carries on,
and seems it always finds the time
to sing that sombrous song.
-BW BRINE
Hi BW,
Well, as far as it goes it goeth well... but I am not sure that you can sustain concept, context or concentration for any more "verses" than you have already, with unmiraculously contrived couplets ending "on-song" split in to four lines for added interest...I mean, it just doesn't lend itself to serious extrapolation no matter what you put between on and song. As a personal challenge I have to admire the/your effrontery but apart from that dubious surface kudos, you must admit it is lacking somewhat in depth. I am not saying that it has NO depth, just that it never gets any deeper than my fetlocks...and that is a pity because you make some headway in to metaphor. The plangent bell is a great auditory "image" which by its very duality can be significantly worthy...if you could relieve yourself of the imposed stricture of a tightly bonded (pointless?) rhyme scheme you could produce something quite potent. Please note that I make this crit based upon your threat of more to come...as it is, it is enough....but I would leave "that" out of the title. It may work for that old black magic, but not for a relatively unknown sombrous song.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 37
Threads: 8
Joined: Dec 2014
(10-20-2015, 07:34 AM)tectak Wrote: (10-19-2015, 11:16 PM)BW BRINE Wrote: Hey everyone,
This poem isn't intended to be complete, as I wanted to add several more verses to fully describe the story (hopefully the main points will be obvious from what I post so far).
THAT SOMBROUS SONG
He whispers softly of his loves
which, long-lost, languish on,
the highest notes too faint to hear
within that sombrous song.
The ringing tones of Christmas bells
will cheer the victors on,
in hopes that they can finally
repel that sombrous song.
He swings the hammer with his arm
to keep the ringing on,
but with the force he broke the bell
and stopped the vict'ry song.
The world, he knows, will never sleep,
but always carries on,
and seems it always finds the time
to sing that sombrous song.
-BW BRINE
Hi BW,
Well, as far as it goes it goeth well... but I am not sure that you can sustain concept, context or concentration for any more "verses" than you have already, with unmiraculously contrived couplets ending "on-song" split in to four lines for added interest...I mean, it just doesn't lend itself to serious extrapolation no matter what you put between on and song. As a personal challenge I have to admire the/your effrontery but apart from that dubious surface kudos, you must admit it is lacking somewhat in depth. I am not saying that it has NO depth, just that it never gets any deeper than my fetlocks...and that is a pity because you make some headway in to metaphor. The plangent bell is a great auditory "image" which by its very duality can be significantly worthy...if you could relieve yourself of the imposed stricture of a tightly bonded (pointless?) rhyme scheme you could produce something quite potent. Please note that I make this crit based upon your threat of more to come...as it is, it is enough....but I would leave "that" out of the title. It may work for that old black magic, but not for a relatively unknown sombrous song.
Best,
tectak
Hi tectak,
Thanks for the reply!
I agree with what you're saying entirely. Do you think if I didn't adhere to the (admittedly) pointless repetition of the on-song rhyme, that I could build on those metaphors you mentioned? Or do you think it's better off to pitch the current work and start anew?
-BW
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(10-20-2015, 09:06 PM)BW BRINE Wrote: (10-20-2015, 07:34 AM)tectak Wrote: (10-19-2015, 11:16 PM)BW BRINE Wrote: Hey everyone,
This poem isn't intended to be complete, as I wanted to add several more verses to fully describe the story (hopefully the main points will be obvious from what I post so far).
THAT SOMBROUS SONG
He whispers softly of his loves
which, long-lost, languish on,
the highest notes too faint to hear
within that sombrous song.
The ringing tones of Christmas bells
will cheer the victors on,
in hopes that they can finally
repel that sombrous song.
He swings the hammer with his arm
to keep the ringing on,
but with the force he broke the bell
and stopped the vict'ry song.
The world, he knows, will never sleep,
but always carries on,
and seems it always finds the time
to sing that sombrous song.
-BW BRINE
Hi BW,
Well, as far as it goes it goeth well... but I am not sure that you can sustain concept, context or concentration for any more "verses" than you have already, with unmiraculously contrived couplets ending "on-song" split in to four lines for added interest...I mean, it just doesn't lend itself to serious extrapolation no matter what you put between on and song. As a personal challenge I have to admire the/your effrontery but apart from that dubious surface kudos, you must admit it is lacking somewhat in depth. I am not saying that it has NO depth, just that it never gets any deeper than my fetlocks...and that is a pity because you make some headway in to metaphor. The plangent bell is a great auditory "image" which by its very duality can be significantly worthy...if you could relieve yourself of the imposed stricture of a tightly bonded (pointless?) rhyme scheme you could produce something quite potent. Please note that I make this crit based upon your threat of more to come...as it is, it is enough....but I would leave "that" out of the title. It may work for that old black magic, but not for a relatively unknown sombrous song.
Best,
tectak
Hi tectak,
Thanks for the reply!
I agree with what you're saying entirely. Do you think if I didn't adhere to the (admittedly) pointless repetition of the on-song rhyme, that I could build on those metaphors you mentioned? Or do you think it's better off to pitch the current work and start anew?
-BW
Hi BW,
in answer to your question(s)...neither. The effort is patently in the poetry, not in the the story. Your desire to metaphor everything is probably going to be your undoing. It is the core metaphor which counts...can you not do a simple rewrite making rhyming couplets by closing up the four lines into twos? You can then take a view on the content which will seem much smaller than it appears. The rhymes scheme will, of course, be ABABAB into perpetuity BUT it would less difficult, or should I say it would be easier, to "dope" the strict crystalline structure with added informative lines making the context more complex, more in depth...er...more.
All is opinion but opinion is, after all....all. Or why post in Serious?
Best,
tectak
NB You will note that no definitive suggestions regarding the thematic essence have been made...that is because I believe you know only too well where you intend going with this. It is an old gps navigator question...fastest route or shortest route?
Posts: 11
Threads: 2
Joined: Oct 2015
(10-19-2015, 11:16 PM)BW BRINE Wrote: Hey everyone,
This poem isn't intended to be complete, as I wanted to add several more verses to fully describe the story (hopefully the main points will be obvious from what I post so far).
THAT SOMBROUS SONG
He whispers softly of his loves
which, long-lost, languish on, --this is the strongest line in the first stanza because it creates a rhythm with the alliteration used "long-lost, languish on"
the highest notes too faint to hear and starts you off with a solid opening to the rest of your poem. I would like to see the second line of each stanza have
within that sombrous song. some form of alliteration included. Doing so would offer up a very strong piece both in terms of visual and sonic
interpretation. I would either try to incorporate into each stanza or remove it from the first.
The ringing tones of Christmas bells -- the inclusion of christmas seems arbitrary. care to explain?
will cheer the victors on,
in hopes that they can finally --Maybe i'm strange, but i think "finally" is really pushing a thin line to reach your syllable count and rhythm
repel that sombrous song. while in actuality it is a 3 syllable word, most will read it as 2. I know i did the first few times reading this and it
greatly distracted me.
He swings the hammer with his arm
to keep the ringing on, --i'm wondering if there is another way to continue the rhyming scheme without using "on, and song in each
but with the force he broke the bell stanza as your rhyming device. I'm all for repetition but this begins to be a bit too repetitive and really sticks out.
and stopped the vict'ry song.
The world, he knows, will never sleep,
but always carries on,
and seems it always finds the time --this is a bit choppy maybe change to "and almost always finds the time"
to sing that sombrous song.
-- i'm curious, what is the sombrous song, and what are you referring to. Maybe i'm missing something.
-BW BRINE
Posts: 37
Threads: 8
Joined: Dec 2014
(10-27-2015, 04:50 PM)love apollon Wrote: (10-19-2015, 11:16 PM)BW BRINE Wrote: Hey everyone,
This poem isn't intended to be complete, as I wanted to add several more verses to fully describe the story (hopefully the main points will be obvious from what I post so far).
THAT SOMBROUS SONG
He whispers softly of his loves
which, long-lost, languish on, --this is the strongest line in the first stanza because it creates a rhythm with the alliteration used "long-lost, languish on"
the highest notes too faint to hear and starts you off with a solid opening to the rest of your poem. I would like to see the second line of each stanza have
within that sombrous song. some form of alliteration included. Doing so would offer up a very strong piece both in terms of visual and sonic
interpretation. I would either try to incorporate into each stanza or remove it from the first.
The ringing tones of Christmas bells -- the inclusion of christmas seems arbitrary. care to explain?
will cheer the victors on,
in hopes that they can finally --Maybe i'm strange, but i think "finally" is really pushing a thin line to reach your syllable count and rhythm
repel that sombrous song. while in actuality it is a 3 syllable word, most will read it as 2. I know i did the first few times reading this and it
greatly distracted me.
He swings the hammer with his arm
to keep the ringing on, --i'm wondering if there is another way to continue the rhyming scheme without using "on, and song in each
but with the force he broke the bell stanza as your rhyming device. I'm all for repetition but this begins to be a bit too repetitive and really sticks out.
and stopped the vict'ry song.
The world, he knows, will never sleep,
but always carries on,
and seems it always finds the time --this is a bit choppy maybe change to "and almost always finds the time"
to sing that sombrous song.
-- i'm curious, what is the sombrous song, and what are you referring to. Maybe i'm missing something.
-BW BRINE
Thanks for your response.
As tecktak said, too, the on/song rhyme gets tedious and becomes forced throughout. Again, I guess the reason for me saying it wasn't complete was because I wanted those lines to be the "central" themes to the poem, and then have other verses (I'm calling them that because I want this to be almost chanted) where that rhyme doesn't appear, while still holding the meter. That way it might not get too old too quickly, and it would be kind of like a calling back to the sombrous song - you forget about it, go about your day, but at some point realize it's been droning on the whole time.
Christmas, basically, I wanted a happy time that was associated with bells, I suppose that's a part that I would like to elaborate on with the other verses.
The sombrous song itself is not any song in particular, but rather the feeling/idea/being of somber. The idea is it's this background thing that follows you no matter where you go, no matter what you do. It represents pain, gloom, grimness, etc.
-BW
Posts: 11
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Joined: Oct 2015
Sometimes i think too literally 
I'm interested in seeing whatever further work you do to this piece.
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