The Void At My Side

[tectak]

I was attempting to write in the vignette style and was more concerned with sound and feeling as well as the use of repetition with a bit of alliteration. Are you suggesting a mere reformat? I appreciate the feedback but I fear I may be missing what exactly your suggestions are.


Thank you

Clarity. That is all I am suggesting. Your comment on the "vignette style" puzzles me. The idea of a vignette is the encapsulation of a single thought, small enough to "write on a vine leaf". The form you choose is often used in comedy sketches where innuendo on innuendo goes line by line, as in Dinah Shore's "censored" rhyme, "Sweet Violets"

There once was a farmer who took a young miss
In back of the barn where he gave her a...
Lecture on horses and chickens and eggs
And told her that she had such beautiful...
Manners that suited a girl [etc.]

A "mere" reformatting is probably a good starting point.
Best,
tectak