The Void At My Side

[tectak]

We sat around a glowing pit
Spit out from cherries
We chewed on the hemlines of
Each story told you not to leave me
Hear that sound? It's loud my heart
Beat in my chest of drawers you'll
Find a photo Left
Behind is how I felt the cold at my side.
 
When you stood up I looked to the stars in that void. 

A menacing thought train. 
One long chain of words to convey the spin of mind
when you are and aren't at my side.
 
You leave a void there...left a void there.
And it's cold and icy and makes me miss home.
Miss you, the home in you.
 
That stain on the curtains of your hearth...and heart.
It's like a water mark that lifts the fibers of the wooden
table your mother was so protective of. 
I fit in there, well I did. I used to fit in there.
Warm and happy in the evening light, basked in conversation.
 
But you stood up to go find drinks at another party,
drinks at another party with other parties. 
Left me here with this swirling void to the left of me. 
Attempting to absorb what's left of me.
 
Most would find it pathetic...but I miss you. I miss missing you. 
When you stand up to go find drinks. 

(Alex Brand [also Love Apollon] 2015)

Hello apol,
It almost works...it really does. But it doesn't...and I think I know why. You have not paired poetic device with content. This would be an absorbing poem written "straight"...you know, boring old precise punctuation, no retro line start capitals, pride in the "free thought" links. It would also work as a quippy, cleverly (if unoriginal) quirky word-play piece. But not both.
Rather than a line by line I would happily wait to see which way you go. As it is, I am unable to decide how much of the piece is deliberate and how much accidental...and that's your fault, not mine
Best,
tectak