10-15-2015, 04:35 AM
Hello mind-
Since this is MISC, a critique is not called for, but I do feel I should point out a few things that I noticed. See comments in-line
All that said, a couple of changes could still make this one work. Give it some time and come back to it.
Thanks,
... Mark
Since this is MISC, a critique is not called for, but I do feel I should point out a few things that I noticed. See comments in-line
(10-11-2015, 01:52 PM)Stateofmind Wrote: Misstruths and fabricated feelingsBe careful of becoming a slave to a rhyme scheme. You seen to be so intent upon getting the rhymes that you lose me concerning the meaning. Please have someone read this aloud to you.
Actions betraying words spoken
False sentiment and hollow truths
Promises made to be brokenyou set up a rhyme scheme here, but be careful, as rhyming can easily give a light sing-song feeling to a piece
Incomplete love bitter sweet
Betrayal tasting sourthe rhyme seems forced to go with "hour". Words may "taste" sour, but not betrayal
Time lapses as does judgement
Reckoning upon the hourI don't know what this means
Ill will and discontent
Never to be satisfied
Scornful bruises battered and torn even in a poem it is hard to understand "scornful bruises" . Very odd personification.
Joyous feelings ratifiedAh c'mon, this is a definite forced rhyme
Time marches forward
Footsteps heavy in the dirt
Unrelenting and unforgiving
Not stopping if you're hurt meter stumbles into the rhyme
Lessons in life
Twisted and cruelthere are plenty of good lessons in life, and I don't buy this generalization
Summer always breaksWhat you're trying to say may be clear in your head, but not mine.
For winters' renewalWinter as a renewal??? It is the beginning of the new year, on the calendar, but spring is the season of renewal. Cool rhyme with "cruel" but not the right place for it.
All that said, a couple of changes could still make this one work. Give it some time and come back to it.
Thanks,
... Mark

