10-13-2015, 06:01 AM
I am new to the forum, new to critique and pretty new to poetry, so I will simply offer my general overview after reading, and then re-reading, your piece.
First up, really interesting subject matter and tone. It had a slightly surreal thread running through, coupled with paradoxical feelings of claustrophobia and wide-open space. That really worked for me.
There were small sections which felt slightly wordy. Not excessively so, just not quite smooth-flowing. For example:
"I am laid down in my tent" - I am laid down in seems a syllable too far, though I get that it conveys a certain meaning, it just seems clunky in conjunction with the following sentence "Alone deep in the Montana wilderness".
"Far from any distractions", any feels superfluous
"Order Meaning Life shall now abound" - Then this is a very strong sentence which might benefit from a smoother lead in.
I'll leave you with that for starters, though I'd also emphasise that the revised version is certainly superior to it's predecessor.
First up, really interesting subject matter and tone. It had a slightly surreal thread running through, coupled with paradoxical feelings of claustrophobia and wide-open space. That really worked for me.
There were small sections which felt slightly wordy. Not excessively so, just not quite smooth-flowing. For example:
"I am laid down in my tent" - I am laid down in seems a syllable too far, though I get that it conveys a certain meaning, it just seems clunky in conjunction with the following sentence "Alone deep in the Montana wilderness".
"Far from any distractions", any feels superfluous
"Order Meaning Life shall now abound" - Then this is a very strong sentence which might benefit from a smoother lead in.
I'll leave you with that for starters, though I'd also emphasise that the revised version is certainly superior to it's predecessor.