Defining Life

[calypist]

Relativity?

This self-absorbed
and dispossessed
communion of
me
ga
lo
ma
ni
acs
with cameras poised
like bayonets
to placidly
impale themselves
Do so, but do so nonetheless,
and thus die happy in the end.

-MR-

[tectak]

Defining life

This self-absorbed
and dispossessed
communion of
me
ga
lo
ma
ni
acs
with cameras poised
like bayonets
to placidly
impale themselves
Do so, but do so nonetheless,
and thus die happy in the end.

-MR-

I was experimenting with Megalomaniacs... I'm not sure how it appears to other people, so please tell me if you think I should have just spelled the word out instead of doing what I did... if I should change the word altogether, etc. Really hoping to find out how other people see it, if it makes the word flow, or if I'm obviously just trying to get away with using a word that has 2 too many syllables in it.

Hi caly,
I would like to help but your footnote explanation confused the shit out if this crit. Response to the poem...it is overtly abstract and so not open to one translation...not that translation matters if you are only playing with words...but from a structural point of view it hasn't any; structure, that is.
Picking on a poor old word just going about its business, purely because it has lots of syllables, then exposing it to the world by dissection seems to be a very odd basis for whatever it was that you were trying to achieve in the first place...especially when it emerges that any old word would do. So yes, change the word by all means. I'd go for CA LO CER A PAL ID I O SPATH UL AT A purely because I'm a mycologist. I guess if you are a megalomaniac......
Best,
tectak

[billy]

not sure breaking it into it's constituent parts helped much, a suggestion would be;

communion of megalo
maniacs with cameras poised.

the last two lines felt forced and unnecessary. other than that i enjoyed the poem. i like how self is used but not selfie/s

Defining life

This self-absorbed
and dispossessed
communion of
me
ga
lo
ma
ni
acs
with cameras poised
like bayonets
to placidly
impale themselves
Do so, but do so nonetheless,
and thus die happy in the end.

-MR-

I was experimenting with Megalomaniacs... I'm not sure how it appears to other people, so please tell me if you think I should have just spelled the word out instead of doing what I did... if I should change the word altogether, etc. Really hoping to find out how other people see it, if it makes the word flow, or if I'm obviously just trying to get away with using a word that has 2 too many syllables in it.

[Weeded]

I like the content, I agree with your stance on society. Seems like the introduction of cell phone cameras and social media have brought arrogance to a whole new level. I'm not sure about the bold font and spelling out the word you choose to focus this poem around. I just don't see any contribution in terms of power, effect, Or even aesthetic appeal. If you're looking for an intricate and creative way to get the word across, I might suggest going acrostic? This of course would require an entire rewrite not to mention a 13 line poem versus your 9 (not including the bold font) but it would definitely be interesting to see imo and might aim more towards the aesthetics you're going for. Thanks for the piece, it was interesting nonetheless!

[rayheinrich]

Defining life

01   This self-absorbed
02   and dispossessed
03   communion of
04   me
05   ga
06   lo
07   ma
08   ni
09   acs
10   with cameras poised
11   like bayonets
12   to placidly
13   impale themselves
14   Do so, but do so nonetheless,
15   and thus die happy in the end.

Yeah, breaking up "megalomaniacs" doesn't seem that useful and
the word itself is too much of a pronouncement. The content should
convey this without the need for this conclusion.

Title - too literal -- use the essence of 2, 3, 12, and 13 to create a title
1 unnecessary
2-3 love the cognitive dissonance
4-9  unnecessary (see above)
10-11 a bit too cliched, but should be rephrased and kept as a lead-in to 12-13
12-13 wonderful, this and 2-3 are the heart of the poem
14 illogical and unnecessary
15 no need for this summation 12-13 have already done its work

[calypist]

I was trying to say that as self indulgent and vain as this generation may seem to be, it's critics like me who complain about it and die unhappyyy on the fringes. I've been reading a lot of Voltaire lately. Do so, but do so none the less, while I do nothing at all but brood. To do is to be, to be Is to do. What purpose does any of my critique serve in the end?

[rayheinrich]

I was trying to say that as self indulgent and vain as this generation may seem to be, it's critics like me who complain about it and die unhappyyy on the fringes. I've been reading a lot of Voltaire lately. Do so, but do so none the less, while I do nothing at all but brood. To do is to be, to be Is to do. What purpose does any of my critique serve in the end?

        And so, pursuing that reasoning, what purpose does life serve?

        Look back, it's what you had for breakfast.

[calypist]

Nevermind, I clearly failed to effectively communicate what I was trying to say.

I appreciate everyone's comments and criticisms, and I'll work towards improving the piece.

[charlie142]

Personally I don't see the value of seperating "megalomaniacs" into syllables
If you really feel you must do something different with that word, perhaps you could phrase it
"me-galomaniacs", emphasising the self centred nature of these people?

[RiverNotch]

Echo: there really is no point in the syllabic dissection of "megalomaniacs", and the title is just plain silly: life is such a multifaceted thing, that to limit it to the scope of one generation's "problems" ends up making the speaker just as problematic as the people he or she's supposedly talking about.

Not an echo: Here's my take on the spring:
"This self-absorbed 
and dispossessed Two starting lines are good...
communion of megalomaniacs This is a long sentence in terms of syllables, but rhythmically it's a good break, I think, and in terms of meaning it works with the brevity of the other lines.
with cameras poised 
like bayonets 
to placidly "Placidly" is too sweet in sound for this.
impale themselves
do so, but do so nonetheless, What was the point of the capital here?
and thus die happy in the end." ...just as these two lines are meaningless.
And now on the summer: The first two lines ooze with strength in pointing out social sickness. Then, "communion", again a beautiful contrast, and....megalomaniacs? What do you think of power, or why would someone "self-absorbed" and "dispossessed" be ever concerned with it?
"Cameras poised like bayonets" is not an unfair cliche. It does feel like an unfair and ill-considered metaphor, however -- this may be a critique of "vanity", but then what is "vanity"?

I was trying to say that as self indulgent and vain as this generation may seem to be, it's critics like me who complain about it and die unhappyyy on the fringes. I've been reading a lot of Voltaire lately. Do so, but do so none the less, while I do nothing at all but brood. To do is to be, to be Is to do. What purpose does any of my critique serve in the end?

        And so, pursuing that reasoning, what purpose does life serve?

        Look back, it's what you had for breakfast.

It's not really the critic that is ignored, but the criticism. Look beyond time, and you will see: what is today's "vanity" but ancient pleasures digitized? That is, try again-- 

or at least try with more style. There's an audience for everything these days.