(03-15-2015, 09:25 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: first thaw
cigarette butts
dog shitÂ
First line: Hum, I don't know. Now, I don't live in a place with seasons, but isn't first thaw essentially a neutral term? It implies spring, sure, but it also implies all the mess of muck that comes with spring -- or something, not really sure. Just, it is too neutral to actually inspire well enough the turn.
Second line, supposed turn: And in my first few reads of the poem, I really didn't get that whole thing where first thaw reveals the butts and the shit. I feel you're banking on us a bit too much (although a lot of other peeps seemed to get it: maybe this is just a weakness of having never really experienced spring?) there, by even removing "reveals". That is, with reveals, the whole thing would probably be clearer.
Third line: I got nothing. The cigarette butts are already enough to show what I think your point is, that amidst the fun of spring, there's a lot of shit going on. Really, with the above three-word distillation of your haiku in mind, that third line actually does seem like a joke: shit coming outta smokers butts. I guess it emphasizes the whole mess of spring, but it's not really a pointy emphasis for me, and again, the mood of spring's not really conveyed (but this might be again just my tropical experience) by the first line.